She emailed me today, on my birthday, because even though we haven't seen each other in at least a year, she still remembers, because she never forgets - and if she does forget I'd make her remember anyway.
She emails me and she tells me she's engaged. And she's never been in love before, so now she's in love, and she eagerly shares with me photos of her fiance and I am shocked. I am shocked and I stare with wide eyes at my screen as my breathing grows shallow. She asks me, are they a good match? Do you think we'd get along well? And oh, I can't believe this is happening, but I'm sure he's a good man, what do you think, does he look honest?
She always asks me for my opinion on everything
, and I always give her an answer, but this time I honestly don't know how to answer, because obviously I've never been a strong advocate of arranged marriages, especially of the traditional kind - but she's in love, and she's happy, and she's giddy - and I can't attend her wedding.
I can't attend her wedding because she's getting married all the way in India, and so many years ago we shrieked at each other almost every day how we absolutely *must*
be each others' bridesmaids, and how we'd point and laugh as we walk down the aisle, and how we'd have crazy pillow fights during our bridal showers.
She's always insisted she would never fall in love, or develop a crush on any boy in high school, because she's just waiting for her parents to set her life's course out for her - but back then she had dreams, she had big dreams, we all did. I always laughed and refused to believe she never crushed on anybody in high school, and this is the first time she's ever told me she's crazy in love with someone, and I want to hug her and cry and cry and cry but I can't.
We used to spend every waking moment together, from the early hours in the morning groaning about school assembly to the wee hours of the night having sleepovers and trying on silly outfits. Now she's gone - and she'll be gone for good - and I resent it, I hate it and I hate it, but it's selfish and I can't do anything about it, but she's a part of me and I miss her so frickin' much, and I'll miss her even more when she gets married next month and probably dissapears from my life for good - and whatever happened to Friends Forever?
I love her and I'm so happy for her. I really am. I look at the photos she's sent me, and she's all decked out in her engagement outfit, with red lipstick under a blue veil, and she's blushing, and she's happy - and I just cry and cry and cry like an stupid, messed-up idiot in front of my screen because I'm so happy
for her and I love her so much and I never want to lose her and I know we're all finally growing up and MY BEST FRIEND IS GETTING MARRIED NEXT MONTH
and it just hits me like a sharp, hard rock - harder and sharper than any blast of wind, and I don't want us to grow up if we grow apart as well - and fuck, why am I crying
- this is so stupid of me, but I really am so happy.
It's so fast and so surreal and so sudden, it doesn't feel real and I'm worried if this guy will give her the love and attention she so deserves, and I really really really really want to see her, and I want to hug her so hard and scream with her, because she's in love, and I'm so happy she's in love, and I want to threaten the guy that I'll shove my shoe where the sun don't shine if he so much as raises his voice at her. But I can't see her, and I can't say anything, and my throat is dry and all I can do is cry - out of happiness? Self-pity? Shock? I don't know, but I know if she were here now, she'd tell me to quit snivelling but then she'd start crying too and then we'd end up hugging each other and wailing our lungs out. I wish her happiness. I wish her so much happiness, more happiness than the world could ever contain and that it overflows and spills out and spreads, and all the joy in the world would not be enough.
She's my best friend. We grew up together. We've been together since kindergarten. She still remembers my birthday, even if this time I didn't make her remember. And it's been what, 15 years of my life that we've been best friends and I couldn't possibly wish for a greater happiness to befall her other than this. Oh god, I'm going to compile the BEST wedding package ever and mail it off to her in place of my attendance.
It hasn't been a very good birthday. It was cold and raining, for one, and I didn't exactly have the best day of my life either. It was alright, but that's about it. Yeah, that's about it. To be honest, I really wish I could see either MJY or Sammy right now, because I really really want to hug somebody and cry my eyes out.
Edit : oh, okay maybe not that
bad. McCool just added me on MSN.
He asked someone else
contact. UM. Why?? What??! McCool doesn't acknowledge my existence!! He never talks to me! I mean, we never
talk! What's going on?! I feel so bad cause I didn't know it was him on MSN and I completely ignored him, thinking it was another random stranger, and then he was like O Hay its me and I completely freaked, and now I feel somewhat panicky, whatdoIsaywhatdoIdo??! uh crap crap crap why why why mccool idk, I chose to stay away from you and now you keep planting yourself on my doorstep, DONT PLZ, stay away stay away stay away, your prettiness blinds me to all that is right, and this is wrong, so YIN GET A GRIP don't let the prettiness blind you! Don't!!!
Labels: birthday, friends, mccool