Monday, December 10, 2007; 11:46 PM
I really really really REALLY REALLY shouldn't be reading back on all my old blog posts back on Xanga, because everytime I do, and I read the little comments he used to leave there, my heart aches just a little bit more each time.

It's amazing to read how much I've grown and developed throughout the years. From an immature little schoolgirl whining about her crushes to a young adult worrying about the future - I've really grown so much. Throughout most of that time he was with me without fail, reading every single word and cherishing every single memory. I'm sure he doesn't read this anymore, and I certainly don't blame him - if I were him I would cut off all ties from me without mercy - for noone could ever forgive what I did to him, and I'm not even going to defend myself because what I did was downright cruel and he certainly didn't deserve all that and if only I could say one thing to him if I ever saw him again, it would be "I'm sorry, and I did really love you for all that time."

And I want him to be happy, wherever he is, whoever he's with, whatever he's doing. Everytime I cry a little nowadays when I fight with McCool, I stop for a split-second and think that I deserve to be crying and hurting because after what I did to him, I don't really think I deserve to be happy at all. Sometimes I stop and look at the sky and think that it's really good that things worked out this way, because now he can go off to the army with no worries and live out his life without me being a burden in the way like I used to be.

I just want to say Thank You for being with me through thick and thin.

I don't know what the future holds - I don't know if things will work out for me but the least I could hope for is that things definitely work out for you.