Friday, May 25, 2007; 10:10 PM
I'm not pretty.

Well, I'm not stunningly pretty. At least, I don't think so. I'm not the kind of girl who gets on the tram and every single head turns to gape at.

But I'm not ugly. I'm okay. I'm average, I guess. I'm not that bad. I'm not beautiful, but I'm not ugly. I'm okay.

If I saw myself on the streets, I wouldn't think I'm drop-dead gorgeous. But I wouldn't think I'm heinous either. I wouldn't ask myself out, but I wouldn't say no to a date.

I could prettify myself if I wanted to. To what extent, I'm not sure - but I could prettify myself. Trouble is, it's just too darn cold to bother about how I look or if every strand of my hair falls in the correct place. I can be fairly confident about how I look, but I can also lose that confidence really easily. I should feel better about myself, and I will.

Hey, it's a start.

Labels: ,

Tuesday, May 22, 2007; 2:47 AM
1 DOWN, 3 TO GO!
OMFG OMFG OMFG MAJOR PRESENTATION IS OVER YES YES YES. Oh man, I've never pulled so many all-nighters in a row before. Our team got awesome marks, yes yes yes, all that work was worth it! Our presentation today was awesome.... awesome awesome. I love working in a team with my best friends. Sammy's such a great team leader.

NO NO NO NO now I have Web3d due in a mere couple of days, oh snap, which means - no, I still can't sleep. T_____T OH LORDY and then there's the Flash game due this week and the next, and digital imaging as well, and then the exam.... AAAGGHH.

Goodbye sleep, I won't be seeing you anytime soon!

Stress is taking a toll on everyone, Sammy, MJY and me have been snapping at each other non-stop the past few weeks, and last night I had the Biggest Fight Ever with McCool, resulting in World War III, and no sleep, and my phone being bombarded with calls and text messages at all odd hours of the night and morning, and him appearing in front me this morning in the pouring rain with sorry red eyes and I'm so used to having fights with him, but this was hands down the Biggest Explosion Ever. And then my brother and I started fighting, and wow, there's a lot of fighting going on at the moment.

But Sammy, MJY and me will never ever seriously fight, and the issue between them has been resolved as well, and McCool and me are as friendly as ever always and my brother and I are pissing each other off as per usual, so what the heck.

If you go into my class in Uni, you will see everyone crowded around monitors with panda eyes and looking like undead zombies, HAHAHA. I know someone who hasn't showered in two days just sitting in front of the computer working! Hahahaha! And they say RMIT has the reputation for being the good-looking Uni. Oh, I love my Uni life.

Labels: , ,

Sunday, May 20, 2007; 10:50 PM
Another week went by
I've slept for a grand total of 6 hours in the entire past week, averaging to about 40 minutes of sleep per night.

If it's not work, it's assignments. I'm one of those people that never get bags under my eyes no matter what, and I'm surprisingly perky at 6am in the morning, even when I've barely slept a wink. Sammy says it's a bizarre side effect of my sleep deprivation, that I become even more hyper than usual and I can't think straight and I become overly emotional, hysterical even - a raving, ravaging lunatic.

I cried buckets again tonight during Grey's Anatomy, then five minutes later when my fridge ran out of chocolate, then again when I ran out of dishwashing liquid, and I say everything that's on my mind, and then regret it ten seconds later. Word vomit, and I stare at Sammy with red eyes, a vacant expression and I tell her I don't know what to do, and all I can do is work, so I go to work, and I work somemore and I work somemore, and I work until I cry again, and it's a wash, rinse, repeat cycle that I'm stuck in and I can't breath. I can't live with myself, and I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.

So hysterical, we ran out of chaff at the barn and I burst into panicky tears, because the littlest things set me off, then I burst into high, shaky laughter at the cat chasing a flying tumble of hay, and I hate feeling so emotional, so vulnerable - and I should stay away from all human contact during this period of time, because the slightest things will influence me and set me off, and I might end up doing or saying things that I'll regret once I'm back to normal, but I don't want to look after myself, I don't want to look after myself because I want someone to take care of me. I want someone to take care of me like how I take such sweet, attentive care of all the beautiful horses at my barn, and now I wish I were a horse.

See, I said I was a spoilt, selfish brat. It's true, it's true. Oh, do you still love me now?


Ugh, I'm not worth it. Please don't be so nice to me, because I'm really not worth it. Really really really I'm not worth your time. I'm not worth your anything. Really. Really really.

God, let this madness stop!


Saturday, May 19, 2007; 6:54 PM
snippets of conversation
McCool : See, we're the same. I draw something and think it's shit, but people look at it and say it's great. You draw something and think it looks like crap, but people look at it and say it's great.

Me : You're right. I wonder why we think like that? Maybe it's because --

McCool : -- because we're fucking awesome!

Me : Well, I was thinking more along the lines of 'self-degrading', but yeah, awesome works.


Me : Wow, look, there's so many stars in the sky tonight!

McCool : Sure.

Me : You don't like stars?

McCool : Well, what do you want me to say? They're just dots. In the sky.

Me : How can you say that? They're so pretty! Lights in the dark, high above us.

McCool : Hmm.....okay. Let me see if I can find some disgusting shape in the stars.

Me : They're called constellations! And they're not disgusting! Oh, you're so unromantic.

McCool : Look, Cancer's picking his nose.


McCool : You're completely different from my sisters. You like simple stuff, you don't care for expensive brands, you don't doll yourself up and you're not materialistic. You're humble. It's a good thing.

Me : Yeah, that's right. I'm special. You don't find girls like me anymore.

McCool : Well, you can't find guys like me anymore either. Cool and badass in one. I'm rare.

Me : .....I can't argue with that.

McCool : Hey, we're one-of-a-kind. We're vintage.


I've become entirely accustomed to having you around - again you picked me up from work yesterday as we grinned at each other from across the shopping mall where I work, and commuted into the city together. You once told me your neighbour makes the best curry puffs, and you got some to share with me today, but your pride is too big to admit you did, and my pride is too big to accept, so I ate sushi whilst you sipped tea. We ran into your mum and you swore, I laughed hysterically and did you a favour by walking away and pretending we were strangers. It rains a lot when we're together, and we huddled up together in the Uni studio slaving over assignments until we broke our record of being physically together till 2 in the morning. You insisted on carrying my laptop bag for me and making me wear your beanie when I was cold, then again insisted on taking me home despite your own exhaustion. We walked underneath the stars and laughed at each other's foggy breath in the chilly night air, taking it in turns to yawn and talk about random things.

I love the way you put me in your MSN name, and the way you keep trying to take photos of me with your phone and how you ask me every ten minutes if my hands are cold so you can warm them up. We've splashed through hundreds of puddles together, hoodies up, and you say I've changed you, but I still can't get you to put on a decent pair of jeans.


Thursday, May 17, 2007; 4:57 AM
this night
Goddamn, you just insisted on walking me home at 1am in the morning even though you live in the complete opposite direction, on the complete other end of town, and because of me you missed your last train home and had to take a cab instead, which will cost you a fortune - and I told you again and again not to bother, but you insisted - god, you insisted because you were worried about me going home alone so late at night - and you walked me all the way home, that entire 1 1/2 hour commute from the city in the cold, dark morning and you even rubbed my hands in your palms when I complained they were numb and cold and stiff, even though you can't stand touching girls because you're not used to it.

We stayed alone in the studio until 12am, just the two of us, working on assignments. I forgot to bring in my files, so I helped you with yours, and you asked me if I was bored, but I told you that your company makes me feel comfortable, and then you broke the sentimental atmosphere by farting and apologized by letting me wear your favourite beanie. We drew on the back of each other's hands and you said my perfume smelt nice.

We're both exhausted, but you walked me home. God, nobody's ever walked me home before. Your said it's not safe and I'm too fragile - but - you walked me home.

Labels: ,

Tuesday, May 15, 2007; 11:09 PM
you don't care if the world were to end?
Like any other soft-hearted girl, I am easily warmed by the way you decide to text me every single night, without fail, even if you were just right by my side a minute ago - to be careful when going home, eat a proper dinner, sleep early.... etc.

I thought you wouldn't tonight, because you already said it to me to my face as you left the studio with a smile, and you're heading for that concert you've been waiting all your life for and obviously, surely, something as trivial as SMSing me to stay safe would be the last thing on your mind. Behold, I was pleasantly surprised to have my phone sing to me as I daydreamed my way home on the train, you telling me to get some rest and be careful, just as usual, even if at that moment you were probably busy doing something else a thousand times more important.

Even more surprising was you texting me first thing when you woke up in the early morning, because you knew I would be alone at work, exhausted out of my mind. I stared at my phone in surprise as you rolled out of bed - the first thing you did was think of me and SMSed me, then you rolled over and promptly fell asleep again. I called you an idiot, but it's always nice to know somebody is thinking of you, and actually expressing it, even if you were tired yourself just because you stayed up with me all night as I worked on my assignments. You make such a big deal of how exhausted I am, but you silly, you're the one that's exhausted as well.

You completely changed your plans for the day when I sighed and told you that I had to work last minute, so you completely rearranged your schedule to pick me up from work and commute into the city with me. I'm amazed at your thoughtfulness, and touched by your gestures. Even though you don't show any emotion at all on your pretty face, it's nice to have someone there to greet me after work and the way you look at me when I yawn and rub my eyes, and hold all the doors open for me, and the way you anxiously run across the street to meet me - and then the very next minute we start bickering over something silly and I lash out at you for saying something completely cruel and insensitive, but then I pull you out of the rain to stand under the shelter with me, because you've purposely been standing allowing yourself to get wet, just so I can stay dry.
Last night I lamented to you about how I think I'm fat and should lose about 5 kgs, and you immediately wrapped your fist around my upper arm and fiercely pointed out that I'm not fat, and if I dare lose so much as 0.5 grams, you'd shave your head immediately, because you know I love your long hair so reminiscent of Rei Kashino from Mars.

We have a strange relationship, our now quite staunch friendship reminds me of my friendship with Zahir back in my high school days, although it is different, because you can be such an arsehole and I can be such a trainwreck. There's a certain kind of gentleness in the way you act towards me, a side of you that noone's ever seen before, and you're gentle even when you're saying something horribly cold and cutting; it's brief moments like that where you actually seem like a normal defenceless boy, and the way you don't quite know what to do when I'm around you.

You treat me like a girl, and I think I miss that. I've always been 'one of the guys' and I thought it would be that way as well once I became friends with you, but I love the way you look out for me. I want someone to look out for me. You recognize my silent cries for attention, even when I'm saying I'm fine, and I recognize your silent loneliness underneath your emotionless eyes. This sounds like a very twisted friendship, but everytime you tell me I'm special, I want to cry.

Labels: ,

Sunday, May 13, 2007; 6:19 PM
Rot your soul
After an entire day of sitting in front of my screen working on never-ending assignments and really, truly, breaking my brain - it's my favourite time of the day : blog time!

MY BRAIN IS BROKEN. I can't do this anymore! I've been working, day in day out for the past GOD KNOWS HOW LONG and when I finally get a day off, I have to sit and work on horrible assignments all day long, from sun up till sun down! Ugh! Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh! I'd almost rather be a hermit under a bridge!

Is this what they call stress? Because this seems to be the only emotion I'm capable of feeling anymore. And tomorrow it's back to work again, another early morning, another day of the inescapable routine, boring, mundane, tedious - I feel like screaming. McCool marvels at how I manage to juggle two jobs on top of a crazy pile of assignments, strings of exams and still finding the time to sit down and lending a caring ear to the ongoing problems of my friends. I tell him I manage it at the expense of a severe sleep-deprivation, countless cups of hot chocolate and a daily dosage of Mika. Who is my caring ear then, he asks, well, I tell him that there is nothing that a good serving of Getting-Used-To-It can't cure.

Just as a nostalgic reminder of when life used to be fun, here are a couple of photos from Herman's party the other night.

Posing with the ladies
From left to right : Tfie aka MissPretty, Me, Birthday 'Herman' Boy, Sammy

Please excuse the lack of boobs, I swear we do have them. It's just unflattering choice of clothing for all of us ladies that night. I mean, if we didn't have boobs, Herman probably wouldn't be looking so delighted to be snuggling up to us girls, right? Yeah.

The original trio (outside the house before the party)
From left to right : Sammy, Mighty Joe Young, Me

I hope MJY and Sammy get over their little tiff and start speaking to each other again soon. I'm sick of being stuck in the middle, valiantly trying to listen to both sides and being fair. Aren't we friends, dammit, why can't you guys just punch each other and leave it at that?! And yes, I know that photo is a repost, but whatever. My brain is too fried to find another photo.

There are more photos, but I won't show them because I look like an idiotic drunk in those shots, even though I wasn't drunk - I don't drink alchohol, remember? Still, I have my ~*~reputation~*~ to maintain.

Right now, I just want to snuggle up to my boyfriend and fall asleep. BUT NO WAIT I CAN'T BECAUSE I HAVE TO DO ASSIGNMENTS and he has exams anyway. Ugh ugh ugh, I think I need chocolate. Lots of chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate. Jin, I miss you dammiiiitttt.

Labels: , ,

Friday, May 11, 2007; 11:46 PM
No happy ending
I notice we have fun when we're together, but it's not the same crazy kind of fun I have when I'm with MJY or Sammy or other friends. Perhaps its because I'm really not good when I'm in a situation where it's just two people, but when I'm with you it's not as arkward as it usually is, which is good. It's a shame there can't be more fun, but I don't suppose fun would be much in our itinery when I'm such a indecisive person and you just can't be fussed.

Still, we do enjoy each other's company, which is always a good thing. It was so funny, as you sat outside my store waiting for me to get off work, a strange man approached you, shook your hand and told you you were extremely handsome, and should be a model. You stared at him like he was deranged, whislt I laughed myself silly at the bewildered look on your perfectly chiselled face.
I dragged you - or moreso you dragged me - shopping, because I need new headphones and you need a new jacket, and neither of us will ever get round to buying stuff unless we're absolutely made to. You were arkwardly silent and stiff all throughout, understandably, since this is the first time you've ever actually gone shopping for yourself, and with a girl for that matter, and I laughed at the sullen expression on your face as I picked out a smart black hoodie for you to try. The sales assistant and I ganged up on you and made you put it on, and I wanted to die from amusement at the flustered look on your bright red face as you tried to wriggle your way away from two girls with devil horns sprouting out of their heads. I'm trying to save you from your fashion disasters - you seriously have no dress sense whatsoever, and if I see you show up in that horribly mismatched shirt and shoes again, I think I might scream - but I suppose your pretty face makes up for any fashion faux pas that isn't too cringe-worthy.

Then you came over to my place with me and yelled at me for living in this messy state, what with all my stuff strewn haphazardly over the face and dust collected on my shelves. You also insisted I vacuum my carpet and then you turned away from me and said that you liked my house, despite it's messiness and small size. There are no holes in the walls at my place - but I think that the holes over at yours are a part of who you are, and no matter how you plaster them or cover them up, they'll still always be there. You can pretend they're gone, you can paint over them and make them invisible, but you can never really fix them.
I should know - I have holes too.

You flinch whenever I touch you, because nobody ever touches you in your entire life, but I take great pleasure in poking you and watching that little spasm of discomfort flicker across your face. It's not that you don't like it, even though you act like you do - you're just not used to it, but you do like the gentle touch of my fingers on your arm when we're crossing a busy street, or how I rest my hand on your knee when you're frustrated and trying to keep it tough. It's in the way you look at me, and the way you make more of an effort to rest your hand on my shoulder and the way you blush. You've never had a friendship like this before and you're getting used to actually have someone look out for you, because you've always been completely alone. When we're together, the vibe is always sentimental and comfortable, it's never wacky or crazy or hysterical, but you laugh sometimes, and it's the only high-pitched, squeal of unexpected laughter that shows up when I'm around, it makes you seem human almost.

I do think I've been seeing too much of you lately. As a result, all I have to blog about lately is you, because you're the only thing that's happening in my life at the moment, besides crazy assignments, deadlines, work, exams and friendship blow-ups between MJY and Sammy, with me caught in the middle and falling asleep beside you on the bus. My life at the moment is one big, fizzled-out bottle of soda, with the gas all gone. I'm exhausted - I'm exhausted - and almost every day I feel like I don't want all this anymore.
There's the everyday, and there's the mundane, and then there's you. We're platonic, and we're simple, but we're something at least, something to look forward to after a long, hard day and you just want to sit back and cry - or in our case, laugh. It's funny how we make time for each other even when our workload is spilling out into the Atlantic Ocean, and it's great because what I really need is pure, genuine human interaction - I'm paranoid that I'll be a bother to people, so I stay quiet. I'm especially bad with that when it comes to my boyfriend - I can go months without speaking to him if I feel I'm a bother. But you actually want to speak to me, and you do, nightly without fail - and you tell me that I'm free to annoy you anytime I like, even if you're working, and I think I kinda need that.

There are so many times I feel like screaming, but you look at me and I'm not scared of you.
Thursday, May 10, 2007; 11:36 PM
Ma mer de sang (my sea of blood)
I don't know how to deal with you. I don't know how to deal with you because I've never met anyone who is so messed up before, and I've met many many many messed up people. I don't know how to deal with you when you get into one of your anger fits and I can't do anything except wish I could do something. It's not that I'm scared, because I know no matter how angry you get, you wouldn't possibly hurt me, right? But I don't know what to say or how to react when you're desperate and... broken, and all I can do is tenderly touch you where you're bleeding, and tell you in a soft whisper that you shouldn't hurt yourself like this.

I don't know how to deal when you're so broken - I know you lower your walls around me, and I know you're defenceless when I'm with you, but I don't know how to deal when you're really broken and I don't know what to say or do to make things any better. I can help put on the band-aids on your bleeding physical wounds, but I don't know what to do for your mental ones, which probably hurt a thousand times more. For someone so violent, you have a really gentle face, but there are moments when your gentle eyes give even me the chills. And when that happens you raise your walls again, even when it's just me. There's a brief tenderness, but everything else is hackles and I don't have any gloves.

I've never met anyone quite as disturbed as you, and all the colours flowing around you are sad. And yet, I felt a little better when I touched you with my fingertips, and you looked up, smiled and said Thanks. And then you looked a little sadly thoughtful when I told you that you didn't scare me, and you said I was the first person to ever say that. It was only for a fleeting moment, but it was there. This is the first time I've seen you melt like this, and it's the first time I've seen your violent, aggresive side, even though you didn't really let me see it per se. I wish I could know what went on in Tomoe's mind when Kenshin raised that sword to her neck, because it sure would come in handy for when your next fit of violence comes around.

Maybe tomorrow I should take you to the seaside, where we can just sit and lean against each other.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007; 10:45 PM
Overheard in the cafe
Mighty Joe Young : What would you do if some guy tried to kidnap you?

Yin : Kick him in the nuts.

MJY : ....Baby, I love it when you talk dirty.

Yin : Oh, I could be dirty if I wanted to.

Sduck : This conversation is taking on a really naughty turn...

MJY : It's not that dirty. Go dirtier.

Sammy : Shut the fuck up.

Hahahaha! Did I mention how much I love my friends? Because I do, I really really do, in the dirtiest way possible.

sammy, MJY & me

Labels: ,

Hey, what's the big idea?!
I was working in Uni anyway, because you had said you would be in there - but to be honest, I didn't care if you showed up or not, because I just wanted to focus on my work and not deal with your annoying smartarse attitude that made me marvel at just how big of a jerk you could be and how I manage to put up with it and yet still find you irresistably alluring.

Frustrated with Web3D, I logged onto Ohnotheydidnt and started reading and chuckling to myself about Paris Hilton whining about her jail sentence. I had my phone on the table in case you decided to call me anyway, but I wasn't expecting anything. Suddenly there was a knock on the glass behind me - I turned and saw you looking at me in embarassed amusement, then your eyes travelled to Paris Hilton whining about clean underwear, and I almost killed myself laughing.

So we started talking again, and you spent almost your entire time in the lab helping me with my Web3D, and why must you sit so close?! You make me panic in silence, especially when you're speaking and staring straight at me, and you're so close, and I just - can't - focus! I can't, you're too fucking sexy, and you know it - I can't stand the way you look at me, and the way you brush against my fingers when you intersect my typing, and the way you shake me by the shoulders when you tease me. You seem to know that your sexy eyes and voice have this power over me and oh, how you use it to your advantage! I feel terrible, so get away from me, and you're toying with me like a cat playing with a mangled mouse.

Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh. I can't go in to Uni to work anymore, it's too distracting with you around. I'm distracted when I work alone at home, and now I get distracted when I'm in Uni too! How on earth am I ever going to get any work done!?

Too bad your personality leaves so much to be desired, although your arkwardness is endearing in a way, I really can't stand the way you give up and quit on things so easily at the drop of a hat, and your 'couldn't-care-less' nature about everything. You can be such a butthead. Then again, you probably can't stand my indecisiveness and random timidity, my lack of confidence and my repetitive, annoying comments. We probably annoy the heck out of each other, which makes us even. I was kinda boiling when I went home, because of your terrible attitude, but you were probably less than enthusiastic about me too. I can be incredibly annoying when I want to, and today was one of them. Ugh ugh ugh, this game is becoming much too difficult for me to play. I've never felt like I'm losing a game around a boy before, god, how I hate you for it. I feel like completely cutting loose and forgetting this ever happened, because you're messing up my head like no boy has ever done before, and I hate it.

Oh, how we test each other.
Monday, May 7, 2007; 10:23 PM
You come around
When I feel really crappy, I prefer to be left alone.

But when I am alone, I feel lonely.

It's so shitty. What I need is our comfortable silences. Or the shoulder of a best friend to rest upon.

I was so exhausted from absolutely everything, that today, for the first time ever, I fell asleep during the lecture. As I jolted myself awake in shock, you were looking at me, and I wanted to cry. Now you're not talking to me anymore, and I wandered the streets alone, then punched my wall so hard when I got home that my knuckles are all bruised now. It was a combination of lack of sleep, stress, and my failure to plaster that smile across my face as it usually always is.

Last night was great, you were about to leave when I arrived at the party, so you ended up staying instead and we exchanged glances and drinks and then we got home and you told me you plan to sleep in so you don't have to wait too long till you next see me again. I was cold and shivering and you took your jacket off halfway, then I saw you mentally decide against it because all our friends were around us, and you turned bright red. McGeek and I hugged in front of you and in retaliation you drank from the same bottle as MissPretty and we both seethed in a childish stupor, but after a while we smiled and you said you would do anything for me.

Today we're not talking because of some stupid, childish, petty reason that even I can't put my finger on, or maybe it's just because you have your sunglasses on and your cold McCool self is coming out to play again. Maybe it's me and my moody shit, walking away in silence just like that, without so much as a glance back. But I've grown so used to having you around that the sudden absence is irritating, irksome, and doubles my exhaustion tenfold.

Ugh, whatever.

Labels: ,

Sunday, May 6, 2007; 5:53 PM
Getting into the right mindset
I took half the day off from work, I've showered and I smell nice, I'm dressed up and Britney Spears is pumping out my speakers- it's 5pm and my friends are coming over in a few minutes time to pick me up. We're all driving to the party over at Herman's house, almost everyone from Uni is going, including McCool - and I'm excited! It's been waaay too long since I've taken time off work to have fun. Fun! I haven't gone out to have fun in forever!

Sure, I have work again tomorrow, but whatever, I'm determined to have as much fun as I can tonight. Just one night of stress-free activities. Youth! It smells like youth! I'm 20 years old, I should be out having fun and partying and living the life and going crazy with friends! We're young and reckless and don't give a damn about the future! Yes, I deserve a day off work!!!
It smells like Uni life! Enjoy it!! =)
Saturday, May 5, 2007; 1:05 AM
oh snap
You sat outside my coffee store and worked on your drawings for the entire 2 hours, whilst I served up lattes and yelled out orders for Large Cappucinos. Once in a while you'd look up and I know you hate working in a noisy, incondusive environment like the place the cafe is situated, but you were there because I was there, and then I spilt caramel all over the benchtop.

You waited for me to get off work, and then - I don't know how - we ended up having lunch together in a nice, quaint restaurant nearby and somehow we sat there talking for hours, long after the meal had finished and the tea had run cold. To be honest, I've never sat and talked over a meal for so long ever before...we sat in that restaurant for almost 2 hours!

You walked me to the bus station, but somehow you seemed reluctant. Just as we neared the traffic lights, you cast your eyes away and said, "Do you want to come over to my place?"

Your house was nothing like I expected - I've seen the interior from what you've shown me over webcam, but I didn't expect it to be so....homey. I fell in love with your desk, large and spacious and cluttered full of amazing artistic impressions, completely with two large computer screens and the exact same Wacom tablet I have. You helped me through the assignment I was horribly behind on, due to my hectic schedule, and I was incredibly grateful for the assistance, otherwise I'd never complete it on time. You're a good teacher, and I was surprised.

By the time you had shown me around your computer, given me a USB cable I sorely needed and shown me a full running tour of your house, we had lost track of time and it was dark outside. You coyly asked if I wanted to get dinner, so we ended up at another restaurant, for another long, relaxed bout of conversation as we shared a wonderful bowl of noodles. You embarrasedly told me that I was one of the very few VIP people who have gotten the privilege of being invited to your house, and that made me feel special.

By the time I got home, it was late at night and dark, but then you pushed me online and called me, and we started talking again - and now it's 4 am once again, and I have work tomorrow and I can't stop laughing at your silly jokes. So all in all, we spent almost 16 hours together today, non-stop, and we're still not sick of each other. This is the first time I've been with a person this long....without getting bored or distracted. I'm surprised it's stayed as platonic as it has been too, regardless of the fact that you've never had a female friend in your entire life.

And tomorrow we'll be talking again, then on Sunday we'll be going to meet each other at Herman's 21st birthday party. I feel like I've been seeing you more than anyone else this entire week. Where were you all the past few years of my Uni life?! I can't believe we were classmates all this while and only got to know each other last week. Unbelievable.

Labels: ,

Thursday, May 3, 2007; 11:28 PM
Dream, and watch the world go by
It's been both a good day and a bad day, but it's the kind of day where everything changes into good in some strange way or another.

McCool signed off last night suggestively saying that I should come early into Uni today to spend some time alone with him, so I decided to do just that. I woke up at around 7am to a loud clap of thunder, and peered groggily out my window to see the country lit up in a bright fireball of orange, complete with vicious cycles of lightning. McCool later revealed that he had hesitated and wondered if he should go to Uni in the rain, and so did I. But as it would have it, the rain stopped just as we stepped out our doorsteps, and in an uncanny coincidence, the sun started shining.

I was planning to be fashionable punctual, or maybe a few minutes late, because I didn't want to seem like I was much too eager to be spending some time with McCool, but as the day would have it - a train derailed at Oakleigh and all services to the city were cancelled. I had to take a shuttle bus, and ended up running 45 minutes late. Worried that McCool would be annoyed at my lateness, I ran up to the studio, only to find him huddled comfortably in one corner with a classmate, discussing their assignments. Well, of course, we did come in to Uni to work - and he is doing just that - but I was slightly miffed that I had flustered myself over nothing, worried about him being alone when he wasn't. In a slight hidden annoyance, I smiled Hello at him, then silently seated myself in the furthest corner of the studio, right across the room from where he was. I was annoyed, so I just fiddled with the computer and my mp3 player, and started some of my own work, avoiding myself from looking at him. McCool barely glanced over at me, which irked me even more, because there was no reason to - but it irked me anyway.

Barely ten minutes after I had sat down and started staring blankly at the sheets of paper in front of me, his classmate got up and left the class. I felt my heart skip a beat, but I didn't look up and fiddled with my MP3 player even more, then McCool silently stood up and sauntered over, his quiet smile on his face. Oh, he sways me. In less than a minute after he had come over, he had managed to get me to move back across the studio to sit with him. Damn your charming powers, McCool! *shakes fist*

After we had sat and drawn for a fair amount of time, our rumbling tummies decided it was lunch time. He sat and pondered what to have, while I merely chuckled in acknowledgement of his suggestions. There was a brief period of silence, then he said, ".....Do you wanna come?" and I almost exploded, but I coolly said, "Yeah, sure." like it was the most normal thing on earth. McGeek came into the studio just as we decided we would have our first lunch together, just the two of us - so we asked McGeek to come along as well. McCool decided to take us to a quiet, quaint little Japanese cafe hidden in one of the alleyways in Chinatown - and forbade me from ordering noodles, because he knows I've been surviving off nothing but instant noodles for the past entire month. I started to realize just how many little inside jokes me and McCool share, when we were talking McGeek could barely understand a word of what we were saying, plus the small, knowing smiles we occasionally exchanged.

Over lunch we talked about writing, and he said, "If I can tell an entire story with a painting, rather than a thousand word essay, I'd rather do that. I think that's a lot more powerful."

"If you can speak a thousand words in a painting," I replied, "then it's a gift, and it's rare."

We're artists, and we understand what it's like to love our art, and how difficult it is to convey all these mixed-up emotions onto canvas and colours. I admit that McCool is a much better artist than I am - his works are seriously to-die-for, but I think that's another aspect of us that makes us click, we're both 'artists' and we understand the mindset.

After lunch, we went back up to the studio to keep working. I had to make a phone call before going into the studio, and McCool silently stood outside with me to keep me company. I was surprised, but I didn't say anything as he stood silently beside me, staring blankly through the window. Last night, he asked me if I would still be in Australia next year, and I told him that I wasn't sure.

"Well....I hope you stay."

Was what he said, and he's the first person to have said that he wants me to stick around, just the other night we both confirmed the likelihood that our friendship would fall apart in a year's time, and tonight he says he hopes not to lose me. I consider it an achievement for McCool to admitting to something like wanting someone to stay with him, and I couldn't help it, I was touched.

We split up in the studio and worked on our assignments, and I couldn't help but overhear his argument with his team member, how McCool was the only one pulling all the weight and the other guy was doing nothing. After the blow-up, McCool was frustrated and annoyed, he walked over and planted himself in a silent fluster on the table beside me. I didn't say anything, but I patted his knee, he raised his head, and we fell silent. He didn't say anything, but I know he appreciated it, from the way he looked at me. Then I decided I would have to walk across to the other building to do the International Students Roll Call, and McCool should have waited for McGeek - but he chose to come with me.

It was dark and cold outside, and I had left my jacket upstairs. We started walking, and he glanced at me wrapping my arms around myself and asked if I was okay. I'm fine, I smiled, and we walked on, chattering in the way that only we do. After we had done the task, we stepped back out and it was pouring with rain. In dismay, we stared upwards - and again he asked if I would be okay. I looked at him, and I knew that if I had said "No", he would have taken off his jacket and offered it to me, so I smiled and said I'm fine. We splashed off through the rain, and McCool lowered his head and complained about how the rain annoyed his glasses. I joked that he was like a car windscreen, and we laughed and laughed as we both got soaked to the skin together - me jumping nimbly over every puddle whilst he trudged right through them. Are you okay? he asked for the third time and I told him to stop being such a worrywart.

When we finally made it back to shelter, we looked at each other and laughed at our bedraggled hair and drenched clothes, then he suddenly pushed the little gift box into my hand and told me to take it. I clasped my hand over my mouth, and he told me he would stop by to see me at work tomorrow, then turned and dissapeared faster than you could say Free Coffee!

Rain which was initially bad, turned out to be not so bad after all.

I went back up to the studio and proudly showed my sneakers to Sammy and MJY, for they had holes in them and I'm too lazy to buy new shoes. They gasped in horror and swiftly made arrangements to take me on a wild shopping spree next week, insisting that I cannot survive with shoes like that. We went to dinner and I choked on one of Sammy's octopuses, and in between fits of laughter and tears, MJY banged my back so hard as I was gagging, the octopus dislodged from my throat and Sammy shrieked in wild laughter. We went back up to MJY's apartment to work on some voice recordings for our animation - and there's a scene where my character dies and I was having trouble emulating her death scream. Sammy promptly took her place beside me, grabbed my arm and twisted it so hard I screamed out loud in blinding pain and shock, and MJY pressed the 'Record' button.

We doubled up and collapsed onto the floor in helpless laughter, as MJY put the scream on Repeat, we laughed and laughed and laughed till the tears were rolling down our faces and we were desperately gasping for air. Then they walked me to the train station, I missed the train and decided to go get some crepes instead. I accidentally banged into the train barriers as I walked in backwards, and we shrieked in spontaneous laughter again as all heads turned to stare at us.

As I walked home, the full moon was shining and I decided that my life was set here, where my friends are, where my heart lies. I'll go wherever they go, we'll all stay, but we'll all leave, but we'll always always want to be with each other.

Labels: , ,

Midnight and Me
There's something about the way we break, from a composed trot to a smooth canter, and then from that canter we both itch to break even more, and then your strides lengthen as I let you go and suddenly our canter is huge and fast, so fast I gasp as the cold night wind lashes my face. I glance down to see your glossy, muscled shoulders moving beneath me, your dark hooves striking out like pistons, your black mane a waterfall of liquid ink in the dark of the night, flowing along behind you, whipping my fingers and catching my heartbeat. I chance a look at our shadow illuminated strongly onto the ground of the arena, and it is beautiful.

There's nothing else but us, there's nothing else but us and the moon shining in the sky above and a dozen stars twinkling in a hazy halo of light. Far off in the distance, over the countryside, round balls of lights shine like ornaments on a Christmas tree. It's an exhilirating sense of freedom, and I threw my head back and whooped for joy. And it was right to let you go, no, to let us go. We flew with the night - we became the night, a perfectly invisible black horse and his rider with her perfectly invisible black hair streaming out behind us.

Alex set us off over a couple of jumps - they were big, and we took them fast. I've lost my confidence slightly since my three month stint, but Midnight always looks after me and I feel terrible on his behalf for my lack of horsemanship skills. We moved on to more advanced moves, like leg yielding and between the yells from Alex and grunts from me, somehow I felt your hindquarters shift underneath me, and it was that short, finite moment that secured everything into place, and it was lovely. You came into my hands and I embraced you, and then we were light and responsive and it was horse-gasm, multiple times.

I love riding at night, underneath the floodlights. It's quiet and you enjoy it, and it's how I get to tack you up beforehand in the beautiful sunset, and we stand together in silence before the ride, me leaning against the post of your stall, and you leaning your head on my shoulder. We stand there and we watch the sunset, it is a bonding moment that only we have at that moment in time. It's a feeling of contentment and peace, only you can make me feel that way. A girl really only needs two things in life; a horse and its heart.

But jumping will always be our sport, because when we jump, we turn into the wind, and it's a tornado of flying manes and earth, and the thumping beat of blood rushing to the head. Three strides, two, one - and we sprout wings for that short second as muscles ripple and nerves brace, your muscles fighting to jump, and my muscles fighting to make sure we jump. It is ballet, it is art - it is the way we fold as we rise, how important it is that we rise at the exact same second, and land at the exact same rhythm. It is choreography, and it is athletic, and we are athletes. You see this massive wall looming up before you, and every cell in your brain screams, "We're gonna crash!!" but the trick is to firmly yell, "No we are NOT!" and make sure the horse believes so too.

"Throw your heart over the jump," says an old saying, "and let your body follow."

Why do people even bother to have sex? Clearly horse riding is so much better.


Wednesday, May 2, 2007; 12:50 AM
in every way
We finally had our first fight - and it's inevitable because obviously, we clash - you're an arsehole, a smartarse who couldn't care less, and I'm an obnoxiously straighforward, stubborn, selfish brat. In arguments, you're cold and bitter and I'm indignant and confused. After a few bouts of lathering on the emotional punches, we suddenly realized that we're bickering - like normal people do - and I found it surprisingly refreshing. I hated that you didn't care, and you hated that I didn't care - even though we were both too proud to admit it, and you gave up but I wouldn't let you. Then we rolled our eyes at each other and made up, started laughing and ended up talking until 3 am, once again. You looked at me for a while with this strange look on your face when you thought I wasn't looking, but I was looking at you too, and we smiled at each other and started telling each other to go to sleep. You were surprised that I have my hair let down, but I tell you that I always do, it's just that you usually never take any notice of me.

These few days spent with you have been the wildest rollercoaster of feelings I've ever experienced in my entire life, full of bursts of random emotion, heart-stopping rushes of adrenaline and never knowing what to expect. It's thrilling, and exciting, and nerve-racking and everything runs in a zig-zag motion where left isn't right and right isn't wrong. It's the first time I've ever experienced this kind of excitement with anyone - a rush of blood to the head. At first I compared you to him, but now I see the complete and utter difference, and if anything, you remind me most of Rei Kashino from Mars, complete with the bad-boy spontaineity and tender moments. You drive me crazy, and I never know what's going to happen when I'm with you, and it's incredible and wild and I feel like you're the door to this whole new, crazy, unpredictable world - completely outside of my safety net, my security blanket, and it's the thrill of stepping outside into the unknown that's making me want to run. There's no security with you, and no stability, and everything is suddenly not-so-innocent - but there's so much colour. I love how open and casual you are around me, how you tell me everything, how we can lapse in and out of comfortable silences and excited chattering. You lack the formality I sorely despise, I lack the patronising tone you deeply hate.

You escape with me, and you take me away from the mundane everyday that we're both so tired of. We're both tired of being alone and tired of silence and tired of taking crap from people around us, we both want to move out and we both laugh like crazy over the same silly things. It's no wonder we get along, and it's strange how well we click when just a month ago we barely knew each other's names. We're both damaged but we're not beyond repair. But we understand pain, and we understand despair, and most importantly, we understand loneliness. I'm the first girl you've been able to tell things to, and you're the first guy who's actually been able to decipher my hidden meanings with every word that comes out of my mouth. Not even my brother can do that, and he's my closest male relative.

And yet we probably won't be friends or talk to each other anymore in a year from now, because we're both ridiculously fickle and we're both much too stubborn to hold on.

It's hoping for the inevitable, but I hope it never happens.