Sunday, July 29, 2007; 7:59 PM
MSN conversation with Mighty Joe Young


Thursday, July 26, 2007; 12:44 AM
the ground seems further than I expected
Sleek, powerful cannon bones striking out at the ground, flying dust, sparkling mane. The jump looms up ahead, drawing closer with every stride. C'mon, Midnight, let's go - I urge on the black shadow beneath me. Midnight tosses his head, snorts and plunges aside at the very last second, right before his hooves leave the ground. I am flung forwards and sideways as I rise out of the saddle in anticipation of the jump, tethering for a short second between his neck and the ground, then I am crashing, crashing onto my spine, downwards as I wait for the impact. It seems to take a lot longer than I expected, and when I finally hit the ground, I felt all the wind leave my body as I gasp out loud in shock.

Midnight comes to a standstill, snorting in impatience as Alex comes running up. I sit up, stare at her, feel my throbbing back and start laughing. The very next second I am back up on my feet and Alex is giving me a leg-up onto Midnight and we canter off once again. It felt great, to finally take a REAL fall, and it felt even greater to have the guts to get back on that horse and continue riding.

Ten minutes later we are cantering serpentines and over two vertical jumps - in the speed, Midnight decided to go left while I wanted to go right. The arena wall loomed up in my face and I managed to grab hold of it as I was flung off, calling out "Whoa whoa steady" to Midnight as I dangled horizontally between him and the fence. Alas, we were going too fast and I came off, this time I managed to roll to lessen the impact.

Still, two falls in one lesson! I am going to be so sore tomorrow, even walking will be a problem. Wow, fun! Still, you don't really become a horseperson until you fall off, so now I'm broken in! =)

I dislike looking at Friendster because it reminds me of all the good times we had and I miss that. My mum got a webcam and was excitedly showing me around her apartment and it made me a little sad inside. Change is frenetic, never ending, but it's getting used to changes that can prove to be a hurdle. I feel so disconnected from the world I was once a part of, now my entire world is entirely new and it consists of MJY and Sammy, the horses at Blinkbonnie and the sight of you smiling lovingly at me as I hide under your blankets, giggling with unsuppressed laughter. Then you accidentally elbow me sharply in the head and I spent the next five minutes clutching my temple as my eyes swim before me in pain, reminding myself that this is love, and love is pain.

Sometimes I wonder how you are all doing, my friends that I left behind in that now seemingly faraway country, and I wonder if you sit back from time to time and think of me too, and the times we spent together racing down high school corridors, tugging shoelaces and sharing nasi lemak. Reminiscence is golden but don't get lost in it, don't get lost in it, darling.

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Sunday, July 22, 2007; 11:28 PM

Ugh, I need some time to let it all sink in. The epilogue, just.... *shakes head* waayy too cheesy. The rest of the book was fantastic though, although my ickle fangirl heart broke when Fred died, NOOOOO~!!!! ;___; And Lupin!! And Hedwig!! Oh, JK, why!!

Anyways, I went to get the book yesterday morning, as soon as I could heave myself out of bed, dutifully accompanied by my uninterested-but-goes-along-to-keep-me-company-anyway boy, bless him, who stood and stared around in shocked amusement at the people running around dressed in wizards hats and robes at Borders. Started reading the moment I was comfortably settled in my bed - but alas I was distracted about six chapters in by the same amused boyfriend - and I had to put down the book to entertain his pokes. Started reading again today, after seeing him off at the station - and because of it I MISSED GREY'S ANATOMY. YES, I was too busy mourning the death of FRED MY FRED MY BEAUTIFUL FRED and Dobby and Colin and Snape and OH GOD SO MANY DEATHS that I completely forgot that Grey's Anatomy was on!!! D: D: D:

But Mrs Weasley pwned the entire book with, "Not my daughter, YOU BITCH!!!"
God, Mrs Weasley, ILU BB. ♥ They had better not cut that line out from the movie!!!

Still ALBUS SEVERUS?!? Umm...... I also don't see how Harry x Ginny = Tru Luv, judging from the tiny relationship they shared. Ron x Hermione are as obvious as always but Harry x Ginny always made me raise an eyebrow. OH WELL. I suppose it's not too bad. I just disagree strongly in their choice of names for their children.

Still, a great read and I can't believe it's finally over!! There goes a portion of my childhood, haha. At least there's still the movies to look forward to! :)

Eee, I can't wait till tomorrow when I can scream about the book to just about anybody who will listen. I'll probably keep the boy up all night screaming about the injustice served to Fred and Tonks and Lupin!!!!


Saturday, July 21, 2007; 1:53 AM

Whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever.


Friday, July 20, 2007; 12:50 AM
I always thought of myself as fairly independant, but it kills me how much I hate a day that goes by without you.


Wednesday, July 18, 2007; 2:22 AM
Iie, sumimasen!!!
Uni has started again, and even though my timetable is so many levels of crap, it was awesome to meet my crazy friends again and laugh until I can laugh no more. It's a kind of torture how they make me laugh until I would almost rather die then feel my guts crawling their way up through my pounding lungs.

A lecturer walked into our studio whilst we were sitting away giggling at night, and remarked that she could hear us laughing from all the way down the corridor. "Ah, youth." was her parting remark, and I couldn't agree more.

We had Japanese today, and the group of us were bursting into fits of uncontrollable giggles whilst everyone else in the class was sitting in stoic seriousness, paying extremely close attention to "Ohayo gozaimasu" and "konnichiwa". He made me cry twice yesterday and today, even resulting in me locking myself in his bathroom to pull myself together - but I've never been happier in my life.

Ah, youth.

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Sunday, July 15, 2007; 11:05 PM
back to nature
My favourite time of the day at the barn is during sunset on a clear day - when the clouds catch the rays and spread them out across the sky in a kaleidoscope of colours like rainbow jam spread on toast.

It was a cold, crisp, winter day at the barn and fog was streaming out of all the horses' nostrils, chomping impatiently on their bits as they pawed the ground with their hooves, striking clouds of dust into the winter mist. I sat on Midnight's fence as he ate his hay, my feet dangling as he turned to nuzzle my knee occasionally. Behind me the barn cat sharpened his claws on a tree, imagining himself a devillish hunter of the wild, springing lightly from branch to branch. It's a nice mellow feeling to sit there, basking in the sunset. It's nice to wander out across the fields, with an excited group of young girls trailing along, leading hungry little ponies back out to graze. It's nice to watch the flock of ibises glide home just before the final rays of the sun slip down below the horizon.

It's rare, short moments like these that make me stop, take a deep breath and relish in the beauty of it all. I spoke to Christine today about cutting off some of my shifts - because I am in a seriously tight financial position at the moment and am struggling to pay my way, and I will miss working Sundays at my barn - it's always relaxed and atmospheric in a way.
Nevertheless, I just lodged my tax return a few hours ago, so hopefully I will be receiving a cheque in the mail soon and won't be so hard pressed for cash.

My dog still isn't back, and everyday is another long wait by the phone for news to come through. God, you look after the sparrows, so please look after my dog too. I just want him to be safe and warm with food in his stomach.

It's been barely over a day and already I miss you. I refused to get out of bed this morning because my pillow smelt like your hair, and I pressed the snooze button ten times before forcing myself up, because all I wanted to do is lay there in your scent, as borderline psychotic as it may sound. It's going to be hours till I next see you again, and although we've been seeing each other almost every day, it never seems enough, and I'm marvelling at how I ever managed to go months without speaking in my previous relationship.

I'm probably not sleeping tonight working on assigments, and it will make tomorrow come even slower, even slower till when I next see you again.

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Thursday, July 12, 2007; 2:52 PM
Dumbledore's got style
Harry Potter was awesome, 'nuff said. =) I'm determined to watch it again, although I'm not quite sure how I will manage that, unless I beg and bribe and whine my way to persuade people to watch it with me again and again and again. I already feel sorry for both my brother and McCool, who were victims of enduring my bubbly enthusiasm during last night's premiere. They cast each other humorous glances of sympathy as I babbled on about Thestrals and Nimbuses and Hippogriffs all night long. Which was pleasing in a way, because I had been nervous about how my brother would get along with McCool, but it went well, must be Harry Potter magic!

It was a good movie, 9.5 out of ten stars from me! XD I cringed a little at the Cho x Harry kiss because it was just so weird, but eveything else was awesome. The Weasley's escape was awesome and Luna was awesome, and so was Bellatrix, and young James.

Wheee! I'm on a Harry Potter high. And next the book will be out soon, so yay! Media shutdown for Yin on the 21st, gonna just hide and read the entire night with my computer and tv turned off! So excited!

Oh dear, what fandom shall I get excited and look out for once Harry Potter is over? D: Final Fantasy is over, now Harry Potter will be over - what's next? Oh, for what is life without fangirling? Nooo~!!!

Btw, the new images of Aerith for Crisis Core had me on a sappy high. I dislike Zack with a passion, but Aerith is so pretty, ugh! Time for pink ribbons to reappear again!

Anyways, my timetable for next semester's Uni is out, and it's pretty crappy. It's quite full, which means I won't be as relaxed as this semester which is such a pain, what with juggling my two jobs and now packed classes along with assignments and exams, horse riding and a social life in between. How exhausting, but I suppose it's better to be exhausted when you're young rather than rushing about with creaky bones in 50 years time. Hard work bears the fruits of labour, and I certainly hope the fruits of labour will be popping up as a beautiful sum of numbers in my (now almost empty) bank account.

Any offers to buy me a horse? Anyone? Yes? :D

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Wednesday, July 11, 2007; 3:13 AM
Harry Frickin Potter!!!
Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter!

Going to watch it in less than 24 hours, YAAAYYY. Even better, going to watch it with the two of the favourite boys in my life - my brother and my boy! =)

Even better, going to watch it in Gold Class seats!!! Even better, going to watch it on Opening Night!!! Even better, dinner with the two boys before the movie!! Even better, going horse-riding before the movie!! Even better, going to see my boy in the morning before horse-riding and the movie!!



She's like a corrupted angel and I'm hanging on to her

Like a splinter in my thumb, you're not going anywhere,
Not like I care 'cuz I have got used to it,
Refuse to quit.
You're like the label in my shirt that keeps scratching at my back,
Then I forget 'cuz I've grown immune to it,
Go figure it.

Knew you were trouble back then but that's what turned me on,
It's all wrong.

Suitcase of baggage, in her head, she
Screams out, yes and its crazy beautiful
Crazy beautiful.
Tattooed lying on the bed, Don't
Regret smashing her fist into the wall,
Crazy beautiful,
She's worth it all.

She leaves the ashtray on the bed,
She don't sense any thoughts inside her head,
She just has to get them out,
Can't shut her mouth.
She's like a song that's in my brain,
But every other lyric says my name,
And I just can't turn it off,
Can't get enough.

Knew you were trouble back then but that's what turned me on,
It's all wrong.

Suitcase of baggage in her head, she
Screams out, yes and its crazy beautiful
Crazy beautiful.
Tattooed lying on the bed, Don't
Regret smashing her fist into the wall,
Crazy beautiful.

Sometimes something that is not perfect ends up being what you want,
Sometimes she lets me into places where her demons come to haunt.

She's like an angel that's corrupted and I'm hanging on to her...

Suitcase of baggage in her head, she
Screams out, yes and its crazy beautiful
Crazy beautiful.
Tattooed lying on the bed, Don't
Regret smashing her fist into the wall,
Crazy beautiful.

(She's got a) Suitcase of baggage in her head, she
Screams out, yes and its crazy beautiful
Crazy beautiful.
Tattooed lying on the bed, Don't
Regret smashing her fist into the wall,
Crazy beautiful,
She's worth it all.


Sunday, July 8, 2007; 6:44 PM
you're my bodyguard, remember?
Dog sightings! People have been ringing in non-stop with numerous reported sightings of my dog! He's okay! We haven't got him back yet, he's still out there and I am still out of my mind with worry - but at least he's okay, he's alive and that's all that matters.

Oh god, please come home. I'm outraged with these people who have seen him but didn't have the sense to take him in. What's the point of sighting someone's missing dog but not taking him in for the owner to come claim!? Good grief, have more brains people. We have a massive reward up for anyone who returns him, isn't that incentive enough?

The entire neighbourhood is looking for my dog. I'm so touched - the people at the grocer's - yes, the grocer's! They're taking morning and night shifts in parking their cars at random locations in the neighbourhood and jogging around looking for my dog. These are THE PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE GROCER'S. I want to cry. And the newspaper delivery man has volunteered to distribute flyers all over the neighbourhood at every single house he stops at. I want to hug all these people. I grew up here, and now I realize how precious human relations really are.

Come home, Romario. We miss you like crazy. Dad hasn't slept all night just sitting out in the middle of the night in the garden with the gate open, waiting for you to come home. Mum bought an emergency plane ticket to fly millions of miles home to look for you. Everyone's worried. Come home, baby, come home. I told you to wait for me. Please come home. I know you don't know how, I know you've never been out there before and you're completely sheltered and domesticated, but if there's one time you must rely on your nose and natural instincts to lead you home, it's now. Come on baby, you can do it.

Dog news aside, things are all looking better. You waited for me to finish work at the barn, you waited at the train station for me for well over 2 hours in the freezing, biting cold - without even knowing for sure that I was going to turn up. When I did show, I embarassingly walked straight into the wall because I was so shocked that you were there, my brain completely switched off. A lady gasped and asked if I was alright, clutching my hopefully not-broken nose, I mumbled "I'm okay!" and ran out of the station onto the platform hoping you didn't see me.

You saw me and you walked right up to me, despite my furious efforts to hide myself in the darkest corner of the platform. I was covered in mud and fur and smelt of horse and I didn't want you to see me looking like that, but you came up anyway, and you apologized. I couldn't look at you, I just hid underneath my cap and stayed silent, then I desperately told you to leave. You were silent, then you turned and left without a single word. All the time I was staring at your shoes, and when they walked away, I sank to the floor and started to cry, and some weird Indian dude wouldn't stop staring at me. What, never seen a girl heartbroken before?

I thought we had both screwed it up, and this was it.

That is, until you unexpectedly showed up on my doorstep two hours later, with a serious look on your face and told me that you would never ever make me cry again - and then, of course, I started to cry.

You stayed the night with me again, comforting me about my dog and just talking and holding me until we both fell asleep. We lay in bed until 3 this afternoon when you looked me in the eye and promised me that you would ask me to marry you someday, and then my tummy grumbled and we cracked up. We're young and crazy in love, you stupid fool, but when we're at the supermarket buying groceries together, there's something that tells us that it's more than that, it's so much more than just love.


Saturday, July 7, 2007; 1:02 AM
it's cruel
My dog is missing.

I woke up in the middle of the night hearing my brother talk to my mother about it, and my heart grew stone cold. He's been missing. He's been missing for almost a week and I didn't know up till now. Nobody told me because nobody knew how to tell me. Because the moment I heard, my world fell apart. Time stopped. Everything that was right and good was now completely the opposite. Because I cried all night and didn't sleep a wink.

We've been pasting up missing posters everywhere for ages. I've posted in all the Malaysian dog forums I could find, so has my brother. My mother booked an emergency flight home tomorrow afternoon to go look for him.

I would give my life to have him safe and sound. I cannot bear the thought of him wandering out there somewhere, lost and alone. And if it was indeed the maid who sold him....I am going to fire her and send her back to her country and report her to the police and shove all my shoes up her ass till it can fit no more.

I can't cry anymore. I've been crying for two days straight now. Today I spent the entire day in your arms as you patiently kept me company and tolerated me and now we're both hurt, and I can't fix you. Not now, not right now. It hurts me when you say things like that, but I can't do anything, because I can't help you. I don't know what you want. You're breaking me as well, and I can't deal with this, I can't deal with losing my best friend, my confidante, my lifeline .... and now have to deal with losing you as well.

I'm never enough, I'm just never enough. You never should have done this. You never should have told me you love me, because now you just don't love me anymore, and I don't know what to do.

Yesterday you told me you love me so fucking much and would never leave me, and today you're doing just the opposite.

I always don't know what to do. No matter how big or grand things are, they get destroyed in the end. Things that were here today will dissapear tomorrow. They always get destroyed. We seem strong, but we're weak. We seem weak, but we're strong. In the end, we still have to sleep. We even get hungry. We go out and greet our friends just like we did yesterday. Life goes on as if nothing had ever happened.

I want to go somewhere. Somewhere far away. Where I can be reborn.


Friday, July 6, 2007; 12:57 AM
I managed to drop by. Not for long, but long enough to drag you into bed and rest my cool hand on your forehead, all the while you deliriously mumbled about how much you love me so fucking much, and then, almost crying, you hugged me till you fell asleep.

I sneaked out to go home when I made sure you were asleep, and left with a sweet kiss to your forehead before running back home in the rain and dark. As long as you're okay, it's all that matters. It's funny how attached we've grown over this insanely short period of time, but we understand our despair.

I'm just glad nothing bad happened to you. I wouldn't know what to do if anything had.
Thursday, July 5, 2007; 12:48 AM
We're corrupted angels
God, there's nothing I want more than to be there for you tomorrow night, but I can't because my mum will be here, but I know if I'm not there, you're going to do something completely stupid like drowning yourself in alchohol, or hurting yourself in some way you always do, and there's nothing I can do if I'm not there. What can I do? I feel so helpless when it comes to you, and usually I know what to say or do, but I've said before so many times that I've never met anyone as messed up as you. But it's alright when I'm there because you smile at me and I know everything is alright.

It's crazy beautiful the way we snuggle on the couch just watching random stuff on tv and the way we randomly glance at each other every five seconds just to make sure we're not going anywhere, and the way I sit with my head against you as you eat with your hand on my knee. Who could not fall for you? Warm but silent, strong but troubled. You affectionately call me your 'princess', and I call you my bodyguard, and if any of our friends heard, they would laugh, but we wouldn't care.

MJY says you're hard to talk to and very closed up, but I tell him that you're talkative and open and cheery, and he points out that you're only that way when you're with me. I open your walls, but tomorrow I won't be there when you need me the most, and if there is one wish I could wish is that I could be there, because if I don't I might regret it for the rest of my life. Please please please don't let anything bad happen to you. What can you do when you can do nothing? It's bad timing, bad timing in a realistic world, but we defied all logic when you looked into my eyes and told me seriously that you would always protect me.

You promise that someday you will buy me flowers and take me away to places I've always wanted to go, and I believe you.
Monday, July 2, 2007; 9:46 PM
It's a beautiful view
I love the way you hold my hand firmly all the way through even though I am freaking out and scared and you are somewhat angry at me but you hold my hand anyway and force me to talk about it even when I'm doing what I'm doing and trying to avoid the issue like I always do. But you hold my hand anyway and tell me to talk about it, because you know I want to talk about it even if I say otherwise. It's the way you read me, like nobody else does. And then we laugh and laugh and you run after me all the way down the shopping mall corridor when I flounced away in a huff, and after a couple of meters I wondered if you would come after me, and then there were your running footsteps and my wild shriek of laughter.
You say people always stare at us when we're out together - maybe it's because we look stunning when it's the both of us dressed in black - but I say it's because we're always laughing when we're together.
You're also the very first person I feel comfortable enough to sing out loud around you, which is quite amazing because I can't sing in front of people, not even little melody hums.

I'm not quite sure of what is what anymore, but all I know right now is that you held my hand firmly all the way through, so I think it just might be okay this time. It just might be okay.


Sunday, July 1, 2007; 11:18 PM
They taste like you, only sweeter
Voila, here's the results of my crazed muffin-baking spree, Dark Chocolate Chip Muffins!!

I made a tonne of these, and despite it being my very first attempt at baking muffins, they turned out simply faaaabulous, dah-ling~!!
The texture was a little soggy on the middle, but otherwise it was light and flaky and ideally muffin-esque. I replaced the pre-packaged chocolate chips with indulgent Cadbury Dark Chocolate chips, by request of the boy who dutifully accompanied me on my trip to the supermarket and carrying all my impulse buys without a single word of complaint. Replacing the chips were a good choice, because they were beautifully melted and soft upon baking, and yet still retaining its shape. Also, the choccie chips inside the muffin batter melted into a beautiful river of chocolate explosions whenever you sank your teeth into one of these little gems. Oooh-err!

I gave some to the boy, his mom, his sisters, their boyfriends and everyone's aunt and second cousin - and then saved some for myself and my brother, and maybe the girls at the barn and Coffee Bean, but alas, there were not enough muffins to go around despite my desperate attempts to make 12 muffins seem like 120 muffins.

They were a hit! Everyone loved these muffins, I myself am proud to say I handled about two before bursting into hysterics over calories. Muffins win everyone over, I am now the new favourite person of previous enemies - and in the future, a word for the wise - when in hostility, just bake.

Baking helps me get over you, and I'm never really ever going to get over you, but we stayed out till 2 am in the pouring rain and he kept me company and stayed the entire night to let me cry until the sun rose, and then as if it wasn't enough, he came with me to my horse place to help me get the first lesson horses ready, despite wearing his clean new jeans. Unfortunately, the biggest downside is the prissy un-horseyness of you, and you lost major major respect points when you refused to pat Midnight because he was "so dirty!!" And that's a HUGE downside. I was quite disgusted, really, and even though it's muddy and sloppy and rainy and I shouldn't expect any more from a non-horsey person - you reminded me of those prissy girls with manicured nails that shriek hysterically if a horse so much as looks in their direction. So you are all talk and no action when it comes to horses, le sigh. Ah, respect. Yin's respect is earned through her horses, and I'm reminded again every day why horses are always my number 1.

Muffins and boys - they're both sinfully dangerous and bad for me and I keep telling myself to stay away, but somehow or other I always end up baking anyhow.

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