Saturday, September 29, 2007; 1:19 AM
for me, it was forever
*sigh* I've been reading back old blog entries, and I really know I shouldn't, but I did anyway because I still look every now and then, and everytime that little window pops up there's this funny little feeling of a faint sadness somewhere deep inside me.

If only you had said something so long ago. I waited and hoped for one sentence that never came.
One sentence from you could have rewrote history.

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Friday, September 28, 2007; 10:05 PM
Stuff and nonsense
And voila, the weekend is upon me.

After work, I went riding today with Linda again and I think I've realized that my lack of confidence lately isn't really the horse or me or anything, but it might be the instructor. Alex tends to push things really hard and makes me really nervous whereas Linda is always calm and knows exactly how to tell me what to do - and to be honest, today's lesson with her instructing me was the best lesson I've had in the six months that I've been riding with Alex.

It's too bad I can't have Linda more often. Maybe when holidays start I'll be able to. =)

Anyways, was caught in a killer hailstorm whilst walking home from the barn! Seriously, hard little pellets of ice are lethal! In my desperate attempt to save my life, I grabbed my Coffee Bean uniform and wielded it as some form of pathetic shield against the elements. Wasn't too successful, alas, but it did save me from one particular nasty ice cube that missed my right eye by milimetres! I was drenched to the bone and SO! VERY! COLD! that when I finally crawled my way back home into my warm steaming shower, it hurt! Oh god, my skin was searing from the pain I could literally see it cook. Is this what hypothermia is like? Hahaha!
Oh, the things I put myself through for horses.

Hee, I received a phone call just then and it made me smile. =) Any form of initiated contact from him makes me smile. It makes the working weekend just that little bit more bearable!

Aaahhh only one more day till Sunday only one more day till Sunday only one more day till Sunday only one more day till Sunday!!!

*does the hurry-up-and-come-Sunday! dance* :D

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work work work oh snap
Wow, for the first time in my life I'm actually not looking forward to the weekend at all.

I'm thinking it's good because it gives me a chance to step back and take a breather and sort myself out, but ugh ugh ugh since when have I become so clingy?

Anyways, my assignments have eased off considerably and I'm not as stressed as I was anymore. The semester is coming to an end soon and No I Don't Want To Graduate but I do want my holidays to come, oh, they couldn't come any faster! C'mon holidays, come already!

Work has been annoying lately because we have a new manager who just drives.me.insane. She changes my shifts around without notification, bosses everyone around the shop, acts rude, takes breaks whenever she likes and just pisses me off so bad.

I can't want to quit I can't wait to quit I can't wait to quit I can't wait to qui-- NO WAIT I will be broke if I quit anytime soon. AGH!!! Coffee Bean, you own my soul.
That's it! I've had enough! I'm quitting when the end of November swings round! Or if I get a job offer during the graduate exhibition, I'm quitting immediately! I will be so broke! Ha ha ha!

Ah, few more hours and it's the weekend. How depressing. I hate going to bed and seeing your pillow all squashed up and empty and your blanket looking all forlorn at the side of the bed. D:

*sigh*

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Wednesday, September 26, 2007; 1:54 AM
I worry about you a lot more than I should.

Probably because I love you a lot more than I should.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007; 1:19 AM
Deep Inside Of You


When we met light was shed
Thoughts free flow
You said you've got something
Deep inside of you
A wind chime voice sound
Sway of your hips round rings true
It goes deep inside of you
These secret garden beams
Changed my life so it seems
Fall breeze blows outside
I don't break stride
My thoughts are warm
And they go deep inside of you
And I never felt alone, 'till I met you
Friends say I've changed
I don't listen 'cause I live to be
Deep inside of you
Slide of her dress
Shouts in darkness
I'm so alive
I'm deep inside of you
You said "Boy, make girl feel good"
But still, deep inside, still
I've never felt alone
'Till I met you
I'm all right on my own
And then I met you
And I'd know what to do if I just knew what's coming
I would change myself if I could
I'd walk with my people if I could find them
And I'd say that I'm sorry to you
I'm sorry to you
And I don't want to call you
But then I want to call you 'cause I don't want to crush you
But I feel like crushing you
And it's true I took for granted you were with me
I breathe by your looks and you look right through me
And we were broken, do you know it?
And we were broken, do you know it?
And we were broken, do you know it?
Something's gone
You withdraw and I'm not strong like before
I was deep inside of you
I can go nowhere
I burn candles and stare at a ghost
Deep inside of you
And some great need in me starts to bleed
I've lost myself there's nothing left
It's all gone
Deep inside of you
Deep inside of you
Deep inside of you
gas withdrawal symptoms
Me : Man, I feel like farting.
McCool : Then fart! Please, for the love of God, please please please fart!
Me : No! I won't!
McCool : Don't you love me?! If you love me, you'll fart!
Me : Unfortunately, my love for you does not extend to farting.

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Wednesday, September 19, 2007; 7:07 PM
It recedes around my fingers
If not for my weekly horsey fix, I think the mental asylum would come knocking on my door with handcuffs ready to escort me away to some fantastical world where all the walls are white and dreams mix with reality.

It's a soft muzzle pushing its way into my hand and the subtle nicker of contentment when my heart feels tired and my soul weary. Its the escape when the wind runs along with us and all that matters is the wide, open sky - and it suddenly doesn't matter anymore wheter or not he will ever call, or if there is enough money, or the future - not even the future matters, because when I am on a horse, we run away from everything and it is the only time it's alright to run away, leaving behind everything on the ground from the second my foot lands in the stirrup.

With a horse there are no teary arguments, no worries, no words - because words are powerful - only actions, and actions are far more powerful than words. It is the hand on the small of my back in a crowd, or the warmth of your fingers intertwined in mine when we cross roads, or the feel of your lips on my forehead when I leave - actions that matter, like my seatbones on the saddle and the slightest twitch of my wrist, the nudge of my heels and trust, oh the trust instilled as we jump fences with the wind whirling in our ears.

If all humans thought like horses then life would be so much simpler.

Has it already been four months? Four months since I met you and you turned my life completely upside down, into this unpredictable mess of paper and hearts, a roller-coaster of emotions as we exploded into each other's existence. I don't know how many times we've argued and how many tears I've spilt, or how much things will change from here - because things are already starting to change - but I'll always hope that whenever we're together, we'll still be laughing like we always always do, so that people all around stop to stare at our happiness.

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Saturday, September 15, 2007; 10:42 PM
Let's go out of this place
"If there is a way, I shall come for you...I shall always find you....though the world and fire and the end of all things stands between us."
-Thor

I blame A Walk To Remember for making me bawl like a baby tonight and for putting me into an Ultimate Sappy Mood.

My fingernails are a glistening sheen of clear gloss and it's been a long time since they've been this long and this shiny with nail polish on them. I can actually use them to type! It's been a whole week and I only picked one fingernail all week! One! It's a miracle. It never ceases to surprise me, the lengths girls go to for the boys they love. I believe that girls never really want to carry a baby around for nine months, or wear skirts in winter, or wax their bikini lines (or paint their fingernails) but they do it because they love a boy - or hope to be loved by a boy.

Of course, that's not to say that a person's life should completely revolve around someone else, but everything means nothing if you're alone. I don't know where I read this quote before but, "Life starts when you stop living for yourself and start living for someone else."

I look after the horses like my own children (perhaps even better) and I know what it feels like to know that one life breathed easier because you lived.

It's such a shame that I always love more than I am loved, but I suppose that in itself is something worth living for. Maybe someday someone will love me just as much, if not more. Until then, I'll keep on smiling.

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Friday, September 14, 2007; 1:17 AM
I love you.

And that's all that should really matter.

But oh, please say you love me too.


Thursday, September 13, 2007; 1:00 AM
aint' stopped crying since you kissed her
I travelled 45 minutes on that train at night just to deliver you a bottle of water you wanted. You left it on the floor of the lab and I asked you if you had left anything behind.
You said No.

You didn't stay over tonight because you had to work on your animation project. When you got home, I asked you if you were going to work on your animation tonight.
You said No.

I asked if I could stay with you in Uni tomorrow, because I wanted your company.
You said No.

I bought you a couple of CDs you really wanted and was really happy. Then I asked you if I could kiss you at the traffic lights.
You said No.

I asked if we could leave the lights on for just a little while longer, because I wanted to cuddle for just a little while longer.
You said No.

When I was walking home alone today, I asked myself again, Is this all really worth it?
I said Yes.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007; 12:54 PM
In a field of sunflowers
OH so much work to do! After one glorious week of slacking and only concentrating on painting one bloody poster, this week brings with it a glorious mountainload of compositing and editing for me to do. How fun! Oh, joy! Only not really.

I love our major project (who doesn't love cute, dog-tail-wagging dragons??) but I can barely wait for the semester to be over. As much as I don't want to graduate, I do want the workload to be lifted - meaning, OCTOBER HURRY UP AND ARRIVE ALREADY!!!! Because the boy, after tolerating my whining for several months on end, has promised 1 full day of sleep, half a day of snuggling and 1 special date day - because we haven't been on a date ever since the start of semester and he hasn't slept a wink since. D:

Also, I want to watch Rattatouile and I will throw a spastic fit if it is out of theatres by the time October rolls around.

Last night I stole your beanie and your hair band to wear as a ring around my middle finger because it looks so cool. And until the day you buy me a real ring, you can bid your hair band a fond adieu. Oh and by the way, I also stole your warm, oversized jumper because it smells like you. I lay claims on it now. :)

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Friday, September 7, 2007; 3:48 AM
Are you there?
Please let's talk about this. Please let's just talk about this.

Don't say you don't know, and don't say you don't care, and don't ask me what I want, and don't just dissapear and avoid it like you always do. Please don't turn around, and please don't put down that phone, because please, I need you to bite your tongue and be strong and talk about this.

Because if we don't talk about this, its' going to come to a big, horrible, sticky, messy end - and I don't want that, because I want you to be with me and I need you to understand, and I need you to talk about this.

Don't say you don't know, because that's not helping. Nothing is helping, but this needs desperate helping, and this needs to be saved. Don't say you're sorry and I won't say I'm sorry but we need to talk about this.

Let's talk about this. Please. I hate it when you walk away because I just want to run after you. Don't do this to me, it scares me. I need you.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007; 1:07 PM
The Great Pancake Expedition and Other Things
It was almost midnight when you suddenly sat up straight, looked at me and declared that you felt like walking to the supermarket. Despite my valiant attempts to sway you (it's too cold! it's too far! i'm tired! don't you love me!?) we ended up walking to the supermarket in the dead of the night anyway because you bribed me with cake, and everyone knows that Cake > All.

Halfway there I threw a hissy fit - turned around and started walking back home and glanced back at you to see you squatting there with arms wide open towards me as if calling a puppy dog to come home. Our shadows are a mask of the reality where we look perfect and wholesome but if you look real closely, he's picking his nose and I'm biting my lips.

Then you declared you wanted pancakes and because I am such an Awesome Girlfriend ™ I volunteered my culinary skills to whip you up pancakes more awesome than...well, pancakes... in the middle of the night.

enthusiastically cooking.... something that resembles pancakes, only not really.

I swear it's pancakes! Gimme a break, it's my first time!

Despite it's atrocious appearance, it didn't taste too bad, only a tad sickeningly sweet. The boy managed to struggle his way through three quarters of it, bless his soul, whereas I took one bite and almost threw up in my mouth.

Guess I can cross out 'Iron Chef' from my list of life goals. xD

The next night was spent over at your place and I was upset and irritated because you introduced me to your sister and it was a less-than-perfect introduction on my behalf. You insisted I go to bed, and the moment I squeezed underneath the covers, my legs hit something and I squealed, because you had laid out on the bed the perfect white dress that I had been wanting for ages, and you had spent two days hunting it down in various different locations around Melbourne, just for me. Unfortunately it doesn't fit but oh, I'm such a hopeless romantic and your little wonderful surprises and the!things!you!do!for!me! warms me up more than any electric heater could.

And then the next day, we woke up late despite the alarm going off early because I demanded wake-up cuddles and we ended up cuddling for much longer than initially planned.
Just yesterday we spent the entire day at Uni (and the entire night too) and now I am sleep-deprived and sleepy and sleepy and did I mention sleepy? Also there is so much work to be done but you pumped up some lively ska music in the lab when it was just the two of us in the still of the night, and I was whining until you turned to me, grabbed hold of my hands and asked me to dance. I said, "Are you crazy?!" So we danced.

A first dance, well kind of, even though our butts were still firmly planted in our chairs, but it was a dance, and my face turned to fire when you smiled and declared that you were dancing with an angel.

This morning we are both sore and snappy and groggy but I would do it all over again, only if it's with you.

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