Monday, October 29, 2007; 6:33 PM


I have a barista competition at Coffee Bean tomorrow and I don't know why we are forced to partake in a competition that we don't even want to compete in! I'm just gonna let Gracie win. We have to invent a drink of my own and after much consultation with the boy, I've decided to create a Cherry + White Chocolate Ice Blended drink, although I have absolutely no idea what it will taste like. Mwahaha.

What shall I call it? Cherry Frenzy? Cherry Deluxe? Blood Falling On Snow? Happy Cherry? Cherry-licious? Chee-ry? Pink Blossoms? Cherry Blossoms?

The boy's mum is starting to talk to me. :) Yay!

He lent me his DS as well so I can play Nintendogs!!! Yayyyy!! And FF3 and 4 remakes too! Yay!
Saturday, October 27, 2007; 1:31 AM
I feel lost.

But I'll find my way. Somehow.

If someone could take my hand and guide me...that would be nice.

...a bit too much to hope for.
Monday, October 22, 2007; 1:42 AM
also, I want to quit my job
Today I finally found the time to sit down, turn on my PS2 and pick up my controller.

And played Dirge of Cerberus.

Only my disc wasn't working for some reason, so I had to throw a hissy tantrum and put in a different disc instead.

And played Kingdom Hearts II.
For 8 hours non-stop.

Omg, ROXASSSSSSS. T______T So sad. I cried. Yes, I admit - I cried when Sora left Twillight Town. OH GOODDDDD WHY MUST IT BE SO SAAADDD. Frickin' hell. The last time I cried over a video game was when Aerith died in 1997.

Anyways I've met Aerith in Hollow Bastion and everytime she opens her mouth I want to tear my brains out because Mena Suvari is most probably the worst worst worst voice actress ever! Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh. Also, smiley! Leon freaks me out.

Lack of horse riding is doing crazy things to my brain.

By the way, I had a 1 hour phone conversation this morning with a telemarketer.

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Saturday, October 20, 2007; 2:21 AM
for the love of flowers
I admit, I'm not all it seems.

Damaged goods, perhaps, like once said.
Not beyond repair, but still very fragile.
I find it hard to trust, and just one lie will cause me to doubt every single little truth after that.
I tend to get very emotional at times.
I don't really understand love.
I am, after all, just a girl.
Like her, and she, and they, and we.
I'm not optimistic and cheerful all the time.
Even though I try to be strong
Sometimes I'm just not
I say I'm fine, when sometimes I'm not.
I obsess and despair a lot on the inside, I just choose not to show it.
And yes, I am actually, really, very very very needy.
I am probably the neediest girl you will ever meet.
I just choose not to show it.
I cry much too easily for the wrong reasons.
Not that I can help it, but I admit
Yes, I wish someone would wipe away the tears
I talk too much, I talk too little.
I wouldn't mind sitting entirely in silence either.
Where we go or what we do doesn't really matter.
And I like it when I am guided through crowds.
Most times when I am hurt, I don't show it.
Because I am, oh maybe, just a little too sensitive.
And I obsess a little over what people think of me
I am, after all, just a girl.
I'm spoilt and selfish and stubborn and bratty.
But sometimes I'm giving and selfless and caring and
straightforward to a point of brutality.
Much too honest for my own good.
And much too naive.
Also, I daydream too much
Think too much
Sometimes I'm clumsy too.

I would like to be pretty
and I would like to be girly
but I can't stand it when people are scared of breaking a nail
And I don't want to change me
And I want someone to love me just as I am
Who I am
How I am
And I am insecure most times
Comparing myself to every other girl out there
Yes, I would like to be protected
and wanted
and secure

Maybe this is generalization, but I am
Just a girl.

Do you still love me now?


Sunday, October 14, 2007; 11:58 PM
Light graffiti

Can you see Scorpio? It's one of the many lovely constellations that are visible from the Australian skies, and it shines above my head every night when I walk home huddled in your beanie. You never used to care for stars - they were just there - but one day I stopped and adamantly pointed out Scorpio. You cocked your head to one side while I spiritedly pointed out the crabby claws and the tail and you said it could just as easily be a triangle.

Yesterday as we walked home together you suddenly stopped and pointed out Scorpio and now you finally recognize one constellation - hurrah! Then you started looking around for the Southern Cross and when I asked you if stars were pretty, you said they were - just a few months ago you didn't care for stars and now they're pretty in your eyes.

We ran out to the huge field near my house with your camera and tripod at midnight, layered up in layers of warm jumpers and scarves and the stars were so pretty! So you pointed your camera upwards and we captured Scorpio as we stood underneath, hand-in-hand.

We then started running around in front of the camera like freaks with your cellphone flashlight, laughing - and I've never had so much fun at midnight than I had last night, despite being cold and sick and tired. It's you, I feel so comfortable around you even when I look like a puffed up eskimo running around in the dark moronically. Finally I stopped and stood behind the camera, capturing you as you had fun with light graffiti.

And you drew me love hearts.

Love hearts drawn with light captured on lens. They're beautiful.

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Friday, October 12, 2007; 12:00 AM

I guess I was just hoping for too much.


Wednesday, October 10, 2007; 2:29 AM
repost because I like this quote so much

"Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears.

The woman came out of a man's rib.
Not from his feet to be walked on.
Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal.
Under the arm to be protected, and
next to the heart to be loved."


Tuesday, October 9, 2007; 11:50 PM
How do you do it?
My knees turn to jelly
and I become entirely weak
Everytime you kiss me.
Everytime you look at me.
Is this what it feels like?
To be loved?

For the first time in my life I had somebody look after me while I was sick all night. And we slept with our fingers planted on each other's lips as we simultaneously fell asleep mid-kiss. I sat on my dryer and threw a tantrum as you showered and all you had to do to soothe me was lean over and kiss me.

And you'll never ever know all the many little ways I love you.

Hey you over there. I hate to see you leave. So don't.
Sunday, October 7, 2007; 1:58 AM
The Dinner
I survived!

Granted - it rained the moment I stepped out of my door and I had to run to the train station soaking wet and then the trams didn't run and we showed up half an hour late and my order was the last to arrive.... but it went okay.


It wasn't really okay, per se. I was all ready, dressed up in a pretty white lace top, clean jeans, fresh hair, my manners all primped and ready to create some fireworks.
Nobody spoke to me. D:

Well. I got his sister a pretty bracelet and was seated next to his mother and after a quick round of Hellos and smiles, everyone turned to everyone else and began to talk whilst I was left sitting there like a hen in the rain. It was a really really nice restaurant, the fancy kind, and everyone looked lovely - his sister is simply gorgeous, I couldn't help but feel slightly conscious about my desperately glossed nails and simple conditioned hair when I looked at her immaculate makeup, pretty shiny manicures, and perfect hair. She's so stunning, I feel like I need to try harder appearance-wise, if only to please my boyfriend.

But yes, it was arkward. On one side of the table his cousins were conversing brightly among themselves, and on the other side, his mother and sisters were conversing brightly among themselves, each group in a different language which - although I could understand both languages - I had to listen very intently to try and completely get the gist of the conversations, as neither of them were my native tongue. So there I was, just sitting there quietly - smiling at their words and trying to make conversation - but unfortunately I seemed quite invisible.

His sisters did speak to me....a little. A few sentences perhaps. ONE of his cousins (note: plural cousinS) spoke to me a little as well, so I suppose it wasn't entirely a failure. Hey, I tried! It's just that my family and his family are so different...with my family if there is someone new at the table, we will definitely try and involve him/her in the conversation, ESPECIALLY if it's someone's partner. But according to the boy, with his family, they have a tendency to ignore 'strangers' altogether. *sigh* I suppose it will take time, but I couldn't help but feel completely left out and ostracised at that dinner table. It was a struggle to get through. =(

It wasn't all bad though. My boyfriend said I looked beautiful in my dress and he was perfect last night, holding my hand warmly all the way through dinner and whispering words of encouragement in my ear every now and then, and then spent the night holding me to sleep at my place so I wouldn't be alone. Not once did he leave my side, although I was really quite expecting him to abandoneth his fair maiden!

I tried! I tried! I did my best to appear friendly and interested and 'shyly sweet' (according to Google)!! D: Ahh, all that effort. I was a bit distressed that nobody seemed to want to speak to me at all, but it's okay, he was by my side. I need to get along with these people and I will, I will! Gaahh!! At least I survived last night, I survived! I didn't do anything embarassing or weird or say anything out of place! I survived! I'm determined to be accepted by his family someday, for his sake, I will!

With time, better days are gonna come. =) Hey, at least he thinks I'm beautiful.

And tomorrow it's back to work, entrenched in that wretched cafe, slaving my days away to earn a few extra bucks in my wallet.

Tonight I will fall asleep in my messed-up bed, sniffing his empty scent on the pillow beside me and willing for Monday to come all too soon.


Thursday, October 4, 2007; 2:25 PM

The boy finally invited me to meet his family tomorrow night for his sister's birthday - his entire family and flattered though I am that he is actually serious about me enough to introduce me to the family, I am now also panicking nervously. What on earth am I going to wear?! What should I do with my hair?! What language are they going to speak?! What will they think of me?! Will I drop my fork and make a fool out of myself?!

And I will not stop paranoidly freaking myself out until somebody slaps me in the face and yells, "Just pretend they are all your regular customers at Coffee Bean and it will be fine!"

Which works, really, if I just get into my job mindset. Thank you Coffee Bean, even though I am not sure to what extent I have to thank you for improving my social skills. (!?)

Anyway, lend me your words of encouragement (or, you know, tips on what to wear or how to freshen up my hair). Because the last thing I want to do is accidentally trip the waiter over.

Ugh ugh ugh I miss the days when my boyfriend's sisters were also my friends instead of being complete strangers. D:

It'll be fine it'll be fine it'll be fine. RIGHT?!?!!?! *runs around flailing*

SO many birthdays this month..... Happy Birthday Jin! Happy Birthday Elly! Happy Birthday Christopher! Happy Birthday Romario.... *sniff sniff* But I shall not dwell on the depressing issue of my dog just yet. My graduate exhibition is coming up and there is SO MUCH WORK to do! I have a presentation due in a few hours, a test next week, two exams coming up, two major projects due and the exhibition at the end of November! My oh my. Youth, can you taste it? I'll miss swotting up in Uni Life.

And I'm having a steamboat dinner tonight with my best buddies and my boyfriend, so that will be fun. :)

AAHHH WISH ME LUCK FOR TOMORROW EVERYBODY. Is there such thing as anti-panic pills? I think I should take some.

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