Sunday, December 30, 2007; 12:00 AM
everybody wants a Happy Ever After
I finally managed to watch Disney's Enchanted today... and oh, it is so many levels of love! ♥ Seriously the cutest movie I've seen in a long, long time. *^_^* I loved it!! I've now come to the conclusion that I should spend the rest of my days twirling around singing in streets and maybe someday my Prince Charming will come along and catch me if I fall. XD

Because, you know, planting flowers and waiting around in churches for blue-eyed Soldiers to fall through the roof is really, seriously, not quite working out. XD

Being a sappy human being is hard sometimes.

Kinda wonder if there really will be such things as happy endings. I still get that strange, overwhelming feeling of sadness when I look at you sometimes, it's not like I'm not happy or anything, because I am - but oh, the little ways you act sometimes just make me can't help but wonder if this is the one or is there still a different path out there.

Today you said you wanted to leave and I wanted so badly to say "Don't go" or "Take me with you" but I kept silent because love is never selfish. In a few months you will be gone and I will be broken hearted because I would wish you would have chosen to stay with me instead. But love is never selfish and if you want to leave, then I will have to watch you leave in selfless silence.

I guess all girls really do want some sort of wishful fairytale love like the lyrics in songs or poems, and it's sad that there's so little people out there who truly believes in it anymore. Love is never 'cheesy' and it's never 'unnecessary' and there's no such thing as too much love - the sun lights the sky day in, day out for as long as the earth has existed, and never once has the sun said to it, "You owe me one!" That is true love, and it lights up the entire sky.

♥ ♥ ♥

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Sunday, December 23, 2007; 12:55 AM
Seasons of love

It's almost Christmas - I haven't been feeling the Christmas spirit much lately (maybe it's the hot weather) but with the cold change sweeping over Melbourne with snow predicted up in the mountains, I sit in front of my TV with my family close by, watching Carols By Candlelight and eating cherries while thinking of you - suddenly it begins to feel a lot like Christmas. Granted, this year I have no tree and no lights and no presents and certainly no presents - but this is our first Christmas together - and Christmas really isn't about trees or presents or lights, it's about family and friends and a whole sack-full of love.

This year we'll be spending Christmas at my aunt's home, she lives alone and is quite lonely so we thought it would be nice to bring her some Christmas cheer - and on Christmas Eve you promised me a date! We haven't been on a date in ages and I'm really looking forward to finally spending some precious time alone with you.

MJY has flown off to Hong Kong and I miss him quite terribly because who else can I verbally abuse with my whining and emotional outbursts? Come back come back - the other night we had a massive (well it was supposed to be massive but some people didn't turn up because of the severe thunderstorms) dinner together and it was great to be surrounded by friends again. The year is coming to an end and I hate it to because it was such a great year despite all the setbacks and tears and obstacles faced upon us - but because I was always surrounded by such magnificent people, I loved this year and I never want this all to end.

My friends are love. =)

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Friday, December 21, 2007; 11:46 PM
The Silly Season
It turned out okay and thank goodness. I was worried and wondering what the night would hold but when you picked me up from work and gave me a huge hug I immediately knew it would be okay.


It's all okay now and I'm glad I had some faith in you. I'm glad I didn't have to stagger home alone drunk and crying and I'm glad when you saw me again today you gave me another huge hug and I'm glad that now I feel like this is secure enough to last quite a while. Plus, my parents like you and that's a huge bonus.

In other news, it's been raining like mad nowadays and it's scheduled to thunderstorm again tomorrow - just when I have to work at the barn, ugh. I don't fancy working in hail and thunder and struggling to fit horses into three stables and throwing cloths over bedraggled saddles in the miserable rain.

Almost Christmas and I think this will be a great Christmas if not the best one ever. Sure, for the first time in my life I don't have a tree, and I don't have presents, and I don't have stocking or a turkey or cake - but this year I have you and that's just about the best present I could ever wish for. =)

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Thursday, December 20, 2007; 12:11 AM
A whole lot depends on tomorrow.

It will be the difference between surging on through life with a smile and happiness or just quitting everything and rotting alone in my apartment until I grow old and die.

Let's hope it will be okay. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I have faith in you. Please please please don't let me down.

People make so many mistakes in life. I've given a whole lot more than I like to believe I should've and that's why I'm faced with this arduous crossroad now.

Please let tomorrow be okay. I'm a bit too young to give up on life just yet. Oh please show me that my faith in you is correct and I'm not just kidding myself.

Here we go.
Monday, December 17, 2007; 10:07 PM
Graduation photos
I love this photo. It's so cute. :) Joe & me.

Me and Tiffany :)

Me and Avis :)

Sophia, Me and Avis :)

Fresh graduates whoo-hoo! Joe, Tiffany, me and Rhiannon :)

3rd year graduating buddies! <3>

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Sometimes giving so much of myself to you makes me feel like I'm walking into a wall over and over and over again in the hopes that it will break and I will be able to walk through. Most times it feels like it will never break and I am just another idiot waiting on a miracle, but then I reach back into the honeypot and grasp at faint little silver pieces of memories. They keep me going, keep me believing in the hope that the wall will someday break - because a long time ago there was no wall.

And then I try to cheer myself up by thinking something dorkily silly like "What would Naruto do in this situation!?"

It makes me just that little bit happier.

....I hate feeling so down nowadays. It seems lately all I feel is down. What happened to happiness?

Guh, stop wallowing in self-pity. Enough blabbering about my emo-ness. Naruto certainly doesn't do that, hahaha. Sorry guys.
Sunday, December 16, 2007; 12:09 AM
I didn't place.

Gah!! It was all going well but Midnight was really fresh today with the rain and wind and when I cued him to canter in my dressage test, he decided to buck a bit which costed me a lot of precious points. I also forget my last diagonal and was completely off the marker, so more points off from there.

Jumping was great though, he went like the dream he is although he did overjump a fence pretty huge and almost ripped me over his head - otherwise he was great. It was a clear round, but we were 5 seconds over the limit which of course was not something to celebrate about.

So yeah, I didn't place.

It was still a good experience though - besides the shitty shitty weather - I enjoyed it.

McCool was unexpectedly wonderful about the entire ordeal - I felt terrible because the weather was shitty and he had to withstand the rain with me - but he was surprisingly nice about it, giving me hugs before and after my runs and dutifully taking photos and videos in the soddy rain before he had to leave.

He did however complain that he would never want to come out to the barn again, and whilst that's a somewhat hurtful remark, I totally understand though - it's always been rainy when he's come out to the barn with me and I can see how it's an ordeal for a city boy like him.

I'm just really glad he took the trouble to come be with me today....

Next time, I'll win! Will post some photos when I get them.

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Saturday, December 15, 2007; 12:36 AM
Butterflies in my gut
My Blinkbonnie Equestrian Competition is tomorrow! Ahh. I'm nervous and excited and I wonder if I can sleep tonight - McCool is coming with me for which I am extremely grateful for - but he will be leaving early too, which kinda sucks D: but it can't be helped.

At this point, I'm just glad that he agreed to show up. I couldn't really hope for anything more - to have cool, silent McCool agree to accompany his girlfriend to her first important competition is almost like a miracle in itself - even if he just stands there for two minutes and leaves immediately without a trace - I would still be glad he took the effort to show up.

I don't know, does this make me cheap? Such a little thing makes me happy, but really shouldn't you be willing to go and support a person you cared about without making them feel like they're forcing you into it? I feel like I'm settling for whatever I can get - and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.
I really shouldn't think about it too much - the most important thing is he agreed to come, regardless of the situation - and that makes me happy.

Oh, I'm nervous for tomorrow. Wish me luck! I've memorized my dressage test a million and one times and I trained yesterday as well (Midnight bucked me off and I lay on the ground unable to move my right leg for a whole five minutes from the pain in my spine) so I'm hoping tomorrow will be lovely and great - I'm not expecting to win, but if I do I wish McCool would be there to give me a huge hug of Well Done-ness. Oh well, I'm expecting him to give me a huge hug of Well Done-ness after I ride anyway, regardless of wheter I win or not. If he's still there.

Ahhhh nervous. Here we go Yin! Time for another new experience in your life! Wish me luck! =)

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Thursday, December 13, 2007; 9:57 PM
I am now a Bachelor
Graduation sucked.

Or, it wasn't that bad. It was fun, but - you know - this and that.

Dad wasn't very happy cause he really never enjoys ceremonies like these, with long drawn-out speeches, and his irritableness irritated mum, and Bro and Lisa dissapeared an hour before the graduation and I was standing outside alone, all bored for at least an hour waiting for McCool to appear (he didn't) so I ended up calling MJY to stand outside with me.

We took professional studio photography which is a bit of a waste of money in my opinion and even added stress because Bro was late and we were holding up heaps of other students while waiting for him to appear.

McCool appeared ten minutes before registration closed and nearly gave me a heart attack because I thought he wouldn't make it. I was so glad to see him though, despite the fact that my parents gave me trouble later because they didn't get to meet him. He only stayed for a short while and we barely spoke but I was super glad to see him anyway. =)

I also didn't get to stay for drinks afterwards cause Dad wanted to leave.

Otherwise, it was great night, MJY was there and gave me such a fun time I was barely able to mope around at all - everyone and their uncle was there, we took so many photos - my eyes are all blurry from the flashes! - and it was fantastic.

It doesn't mean much, but to go on stage and receive your testamur from the Dean is the best feeling in the world! Three years of work has finally paid off! It's a shame to say I really didn't learn that much during my three years at RMIT, but at least I learnt a little bit - and even a little bit is better than nothing, that's what I think. Plus, I got to meet all this amazing people that I simply adore - all my friends - and most importantly McCool - and for that I am thankful. =)

Here's to the future and plenty more good things to come!


Wednesday, December 12, 2007; 1:11 AM
I hate that I tell you again and again how much I miss you, but you didn't say it back a single time.


Sometimes I hate that I love you so much. I wish you did too.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007; 11:03 PM
And I am...

Yup yup Whoo hoo oh yeah baby, I'm graduating tomorrow, in less than a few hours!!! :D Excited!!! I've got my graduation gown and hat, my parents and McCool's have just arrived from the airport and my outfit is hanging nicely on the rack - as per McCool's request I shall wear a white dress - and I'm gaduating with a Distinction!!!! =D I'm sitting next to him in the ceremony too, so I have someone to hold my hand. ^_^

Wow, life is finally taking off. I can't believe I'm graduating - no more education from now on. It's gonna be out into the real world, getting a proper job, taking on proper responsibilites. Aren't we growing up! No more running to friends or lecturers when I need help, no more free and easy Uni timetables - I have to earn proper money and work hard now!! Start driving, get a place of my own.... etc etc, the list goes on.

I'm nervous, to be exact. I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to it or not.

Time to stand tall on my own! :) And we'll all always have each other by our sides.


Why do I feel so lonely tonight?

Gawds, I'm so emo. Ugh, get over it Yin.

I wish I was at McCool's place right now, for some reason tonight is colder and I am even more unsettled that I usually am. I miss you more than I usually do, and it's crazy - god, I can't wait for January and I can be with you again. I feel like a finicky horse that's just about to colic.

AAAh f*ck it, I guess I should just go get some sleep. Wednesday Wednesday Wednesday I am graduating, but I don't care, I don't care - the moment I hear you call my name I will whip around and leap straight into your arms because I hate not being able to see you every single day.

Monday, December 10, 2007; 11:46 PM
I really really really REALLY REALLY shouldn't be reading back on all my old blog posts back on Xanga, because everytime I do, and I read the little comments he used to leave there, my heart aches just a little bit more each time.

It's amazing to read how much I've grown and developed throughout the years. From an immature little schoolgirl whining about her crushes to a young adult worrying about the future - I've really grown so much. Throughout most of that time he was with me without fail, reading every single word and cherishing every single memory. I'm sure he doesn't read this anymore, and I certainly don't blame him - if I were him I would cut off all ties from me without mercy - for noone could ever forgive what I did to him, and I'm not even going to defend myself because what I did was downright cruel and he certainly didn't deserve all that and if only I could say one thing to him if I ever saw him again, it would be "I'm sorry, and I did really love you for all that time."

And I want him to be happy, wherever he is, whoever he's with, whatever he's doing. Everytime I cry a little nowadays when I fight with McCool, I stop for a split-second and think that I deserve to be crying and hurting because after what I did to him, I don't really think I deserve to be happy at all. Sometimes I stop and look at the sky and think that it's really good that things worked out this way, because now he can go off to the army with no worries and live out his life without me being a burden in the way like I used to be.

I just want to say Thank You for being with me through thick and thin.

I don't know what the future holds - I don't know if things will work out for me but the least I could hope for is that things definitely work out for you.
Just some itty bitty feelings aka Emo post
Why does it feel like if I take my eyes off you for a second or let go of your arm, you'll dissapear - fade away and never come back?
It scares me, like how you'll just vanish immediately.

Please don't dissapear, because I don't know what I'd do if you did.

I don't know why, maybe it's something you said to me today about finding someone else. Why does everyone always tell me to find someone else? I'm not some item that can be passed around like a Pass The Parcel game. It was the same with a boy I once knew for a long, long time - and I gave him up for you, and even until today I feel a silent pang of guilt and sadness when I think about it - he didn't fight to keep me to stay, and you're not fighting either.

Nobody asks me to stay. It makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me, or if I'm really that undesirable.

And yet I'm so happy and comfortable when I'm with you, and it scares me to see how much I need you and how scared I am to know you don't need me as much as that. So if you dissapear too, I don't know what I'd do. Sometimes you say something out of the blue or touch me in a certain way that makes me so incredibly happy and I just want to stay by your side forever and I feel that you're just as much in love as I am - and sometimes I feel you're not. Sometimes I steal a glance at your face and it makes me sad. I've pressed the Reset button on my heart so many times now just so problems that have surfaced are wiped away and I don't want to worry if they will break us. Today I asked if you would marry me because I want to be with you forever, and you told me to stop, and I wonder if we could be together forever or maybe I'm thinking too much. I guess I'm just scared.
Everytime I cry I wish you would just shut up and hold me like you used to.

But everytime you smile at me I want to believe that you could be special. Special people don't dissapear.

Some of the best moments in my life have been by your side.
Please let there be more to come.


Wednesday, December 5, 2007; 8:29 PM
i miss u
i miss u i miss u i miss u i miss u i miss u i miss u i miss u i miss u.



Sunday, December 2, 2007; 6:50 PM
In close proximity
How do you put happiness into words?

So the other day I went to watch Across the Universe with MJY and because of our combined levels of tardiness (we were eating ramen at some place far away), we were late for the movie and had to break into the cinemas at a brisk run rivaling a John Woo action film. In our haste to make it to the start of the movie, MJY barged through the heavy metal double doors with me close behind. It must have been in a fit of adrenaline because as we ran in, he slammed the door HARD on the ring finger of my right hand, which was immediately caught in the hinges of said heavy metal double doors and before I could say, "Jumping Jack, what was that!?" a sickening CRACK sounded.

No, I didn't break my finger - thank God and all that is good. My nail was snapped off and the top of the finger severed, leaving me clutching a violently bleeding hand in dismay as MJY panicked and started flailing about like a mad chicken. We ended up missing half an hour of the movie as he tried (and failed gallantly) to administer first aid, and I ran whimpering into McCool's arms at the end of the day with a finger bravely covered in a wacky mess of bloody bandaids.

Which was nice because for the next few days I had a concerned McCool fluttering around me like a worried hen, changing bandages everyday and cursing MJY in between breaths for not taking better care of his girl. Because I mean - seriously - who puts bandaids on a severed finger?! LOL, MJY. I luv you and all but there is no way I'm putting bandaids on my missing appendage.

Also I have over a week off from work, which is VERY nice because I get to be lazy and laze around and stay over at McCool's the entire time, which consists of sleeping late, waking up late and eating his home-cooked food. (He is definitely a better cook than me!) It makes me feel like I really should never go back to work because :
1. I don't want to work over the Christmas and New Years period
2. My family will be coming down for my graduation and I want to spend some time with them
3. McCool is rich anyways, so he should pay for all my living expenses from now on. MWAHAHAHAHHAA. You know I'm just kidding.

We celebrated six months of coupled bliss (and fighting and arguments and disagreements) last Friday and he charmed the hair off my head by surprising me with dinner at a Simply Undeniably Fancy And Expensive Japanese restaurant by the river, and then we strolled to the cake parlour we both love and then the next day he bought me a bouquet of pretty pink roses. Ah, life couldn't get any sweeter. ^w^

I also got a haircut recently and whilst I am not used to having bangs again - I'm quite liking it, except for the way it stands up when I wake in the morning and McCool laughs at me. It suits me though, I think, and mum is coming down on Wednesday and she wants to meet McCool, so he is panicking and I am still trying to convince him to cut his hair!

Also the other day I decided I needed new shoes to compliment my new outfit and I ended up in the Kids Section of Target, because no other shoe shop stocked sizes for my feet. I wear a size 3-4, by the way, and having small feet sucks even though they look dainty and cute. I mean, shopping for shoes in the kids section! Ah, humiliation has no boundaries.

Still, I'm relaxed and content and there's nothing quite like stirring in the early dawn and feeling your hand move and for a second panic "HOLY SHIT WHY IS IT MOVING THERE'S AN EARTHQUAKE!" and then realizing that it's just his chest rising up and down underneath your hand peacefully in a steady rhythm as he snores sleeps. And then you realize you have to get up and pee.

So how do you put happiness into words?

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