Saturday, January 12, 2008; 9:42 PM
If it's you, please read this. It's the closest I can get.
There is a reason behind all this, I'm sure.

See, I'm not like you. I can't be alone by myself at home all day and not go crazy. You're different, you always have someone there with you, someone who turns the lights on even when you get home late at night. Do you know how it feels to have to see a dark window and turn on the lights by yourself every day, every single day? I go crazy living by myself, and even in the years and years before I met you I hated it, which was why I used to try and see my friends MJY and Sammy so very very much and stayed out having fun all night and only went home in the wee hours of the morning so I could just fall into my bed fast asleep without having a chance to feel lonely, without even having to turn on the lights. Thank goodness Uni was hectic too and I could always find some sort of excuse to occupy myself so I wouldn't get a chance to dwell on it too much. When I am left alone I cry into my bowl of instant pasta and experiment with sharp objects. I would talk to telemarketers for hours. I would make "online friends" (wonderful people, by the way) so that there was always someone to talk to, even if just on forums. Which is what I have been doing for the past many years that you think I was "fine".

See, you have a family. I don't know - I barely know what that is. I need to look up the definition in a dictionary when I want to know. I don't understand what it means to be part of a family and I always watch yours and MJY's and my other friends and wonder what it must be like growing up like that. For once you gave me a taste of what it was like and for the first time in my life I felt what everyone else grew up feeling, and it was new and shocking and I'm scared and not used to it - but oh, it feels so absolutely wonderful and I was addicted. For a short while I didn't have to go home to turn on my lights, and for the first time I had somebody to talk to when I'm bored, and for the first time I didn't have to sit on my floor eating tears mixed with instant pasta. I think I like someone holding my hand when I'm scared, and I think I like taking home hot food "Mum" prepares in a container and I think I like watching TV with other people instead of watching it alone. I think I like falling asleep in someone's arms and I think I like fighting over who uses the bathroom first and I think I like kissing and I think I definitely like hugging and I think I like not having to go out alone all the time. I especially like having someone to go home to. I also especially like waking up to your morning breath.

I think I like waking up and not having to desperately think of ways to occupy myself today to escape the loneliness, I think I like my phone blinking as a human reaching out to me, I think I like not having to wear the same pyjamas for days on end. I think I like not having to worry if someone will raise their hand or voice towards me today. I also like having someone go to the hairdressers with me and being able to discuss hair and clothes and perfume and Malono Blahniks and argue with me over Britney Spears. You are lucky to have sisters. I also like lazing around while you play your games or surf your net or feed your dog and just doing nothing in the company of others - because doing nothing in the company of yourself does crazy things to a person's head and heart.

What seems to you and others as something very normal and everyday and mundane... like checking to see if someone has taken out the trash - to me it is brand new and wonderful and I love it because I have never known it and it is what I have always wanted. Companionship.

Can you blame me for being addicted to this brand new feeling of warmth and joy and security?

You may not understand why I'm so addicted to you, this new drug, but here I am trying to explain that I have never felt this amount of comfort and that is why I am desperately, destructively trying my best to cling on to it. I love you for showing me what it feels like to not be alone. I've never known until now. Because I don't ever want to eat tear-flavoured instant pasta again, and I don't ever want to look up to a dark balcony again, and I don't ever want to listen to my neighbours partying whilst I watch 'Iron Chef' alone on TV, talking to my imaginary friend. Yes, I have an imaginary friend and I have had him ever since I was a little girl, he has never dissapeared and he has always been there when I am lonely. It's such a shame he's imaginary. I also used to have an imaginary dog, but let's not go there. I don't ever want to cover crying behind a chair again wondering if Mary*'s dad or Jack*'s mom does this too.
I love you for giving me what I've always been dreaming off, I love you for giving me the kisses and the hugs and the warmth and the comfort and the joy and everything else that was missing in my life where that huge empty hole was. I love you. I didn't understand this kind of love before I met you, but nowI think I do.

Maybe it's hard for you to understand, but here I am staring at the one thing everyone has that I don't, and I'm clinging. I'm sorry if I'm clinging. I don't mean to hurt you or anyone by clinging. You are not used to this, and I don't blame you - you don't understand what it feels like to be always alone and I don't understand what it feels like to always not be alone. Which is hard on you, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Which is why tonight I'm back to being alone, sitting on my floor, watching my 'Iron Chef', eating my instant pasta and leaving my lights on.

God didn't grant me what you have from the start for a reason - maybe I'm just not meant to have it. Maybe if someone gives it to me, like you have, maybe that's too much trouble for others. I don't know, but I do know I don't want to cause you any trouble or upset.

I'm sorry for clinging. I just hope that now you understand, even if just a little bit - why I cling so much. I can only hope that this doesn't destroy what we had together.

Labels: