"The Phoenix bird, dost thou not know him? The Bird of Paradise, the holy swan of song!...In Paradise, when thou wert born in the first rose, beneath the Tree of Knowledge, thou receivedst a kiss, and thy right name was given thee-thy name, Poetry."
-Hans Christian Anderson, The Phoenix Bird
One of my close friends was feeling really down in the dumps today, and called for an emergency dinner gathering, so I went out to have dinner with them. I was feeling pretty bitter and unhappy myself, so we spent the night singing at the top of our lungs in off-key voices and laughing (as forcedly as we could) till our asses fell off.
The truth is, we were miserable, we were all miserable - but we're friends and this is what friends do - we are there for each other, and I am grateful that I had my friends with me when I am miserable and I am glad that we made Big M feel a little bit better when he was feeling at his utmost worst.
When I was on the train platform on the way home, I bumped into an old senior from high school, one that I had a major crush on way back when. It was a little arkward, and a little strange, and amidst a few polite exchanges and How Do You Dos, we started laughing a little and joking like it hadn't been over 5 years since we last met. Through all the sticky subjects, not a word was mentioned about my crush on him in the past, which was all for the better. Although I am happy - happy to see that meeting him again certainly doesn't stir up any old emotions or feelings. There is a little bit of nostalgia, but that's it. It was good to finally meet up with my past and stare it in the face with no harboured emotions whatsoever. I should've done it a long time ago, instead of continuously avoiding it. It's good to move on.
As we exchanged goodbyes when he got off the train, it's good to move on.
I would like to know how I have grown as a person. Even though I am only 21, I feel like my youth has entirely flown me by. Have I grown much from the confident, sassy 15 year old that once was? Once upon a time my blog was about facing adversities and tackling life's obstacles head on. Nowadays it's mostly bitching about life.
Have I really grown as a person? Have I lived the way I want to? Yes, yes I have. I have lived and laughed and loved all my way through life and I am determined to keep doing it. True, I am not exactly where I want to be in life right now, but every day is a step closer to reaching dreams.
Along the way I have fallen many times and I have hurt many times, but I don't think that's a bad thing. We learn and grow from the past, even if the past hurts. I don't think shutting off is ever an answer, I have always loved fully and wholly and I don't think Love could be wrong in any way.
Love life. Live well. I was talking to my friends today and then I said, I am a horse. Horses are herd creatures and get anxious if alone with no herd members in sight. I am similar, in a way. I dislike being alone, and I need a herd or a companion. That's right, I need. It could be a weakness or it could not, but I don't think needing companionship is a bad thing. I fully believe in spreading joy and most people in today's generation would probably scoff me off for being naive and too idealistic, but I don't think it's wrong.
I think sometimes people lose sight of things. The other night there was this footage of an old woman desperate for food in Burma, and I started crying, yet hiding my tears from my friends. I just wanted to hug her. I don't understand why people feel the need to act tough or look strong or put on any facade for the sake of popularity or self image or generalizing themselves into stereotypes. What is wrong with being open and honest and sincere in every aspect of your life, what is wrong with opening your eyes to see the world as it is and to learn to appreciate the beauty of both the beautiful and the ugly? People don't appreciate enough.
I want to love and be loved, fully and wholly and completely and unconditionally. I think every human being deserves that kind of love. I am
loved, we are all
loved. We just need to appreciate it more. Thank you all for loving me, and rest assured I love you too.
I believe everyone needs someone. Everyone needs someone.
"i carry your heart with me
i carry it in my heart."