Tuesday, April 29, 2008; 1:31 AM
you say that things change, my dear
What defines people as lovers? What makes it different from two people being merely very close friends?
Is it the hugs? The kisses? The sexual or physical attraction? The chemistry? The hand-holding, name-calling, affectionate-tummy-rubs? The support system?
Is it the way your tummy flutters or the way you smile automatically? Is it the way even the rain feels like sunshine? Is it the urge to hold each other close when overcome with tears? Is it the urge to ravage each other between the sheets? Is it the attraction? Is it thinking, "Wow, he/she is beautiful!" even in the early morning with bed hair and bad breath? Is it the commitment? Is it the dedication and effort towards each other that transcends friendship and boundaries?
It's the attraction, and all that and everything else. It's the feelings for one person that is different to feelings for another. It's what defines the difference between platonic friendly cuddles and simple bonding eye contact.

It's a line that sometimes is so hard to differ. Of course one should know if a relationship is defined as lovers - or merely close friends. How does one know where the end of the line is? I am very clear on my part... but how does one know about the other?

I watched a David Attenborough documentary on lizards today, tucked alone in my dark apartment, and apparently some lizards stay faithfully together as a couple even after death. It made me want to be a lizard. I went to lie in my empty bed and I wished I were a lizard. Every night when my brother comes home, he dotes on my every need and continuously tells me not to be sad, even when I am laughing at a comedy on TV. I think he thinks something bad happened to me. Nothing bad has happened. In fact, nothing has happened.

Every day comes and every day goes. Days go by, then weeks, then months. I am still here, nothing has changed except that I wish I was a lizard.

I am in love and I wish I had a lizard.
fanart not by me

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Monday, April 28, 2008; 6:35 PM
I'm such a shit girlfriend. I'm sorry.


Sunday, April 27, 2008; 9:14 PM
random crap
I didn't have much to do today - it's such a nice lazy day, and besides endless gossiping on MSN with Sammy, I ended up on YouTube looking for Malaysian crack! advertisements again. Because they are the maddest shit and we all love them.

So here's some LULZ to spice up a dull night!


WAT. HAHAHA. Crazy old man FTW!

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Saturday, April 26, 2008; 1:30 AM
will you count me in?
I am bored - but hey, what else is new? It's almost as if the Internet knows when I leave McCool's place to go back to my flat and turns completely unexciting - no updates on LiveJournal, no new posts on the pink forums, no friends online on MSN to bother either.

Also, it's started to rain - not very fun to think of the muddy, wet, sloshy horse paddocks at work tomorrow.

I swear Facebook has some higher power controlling it, because the horoscope section is eerily accurate. Yesterday it said I would have a heated argument with a loved one, and indeed McCool and I did have a bust-up in the city yesterday!! Also previously it has predicted other key events in my life, such as activities with my friends, health status (scarily it predicted my tummy cramps) and too many more to list - but it has been so reliable that nowadays I take to checking it religiously in the morning when I wake up, just to see what the day has in store.

Anyways, things are going quite well lately - my old boss from Coffee Bean called to try and set me up with the company's Graphic Designer to see if I could do some work for the company or undertake an apprenticeship - and although the idea of creating boring posters for a coffee company is not at all thrilling to me - it's a step through the door and certainly the income would be most welcome! I am saving up for a trip to Japan - and if I'm lucky enough, a trip to Sydney with McCool (if only I can persuade him with my charm and sparkly cute eyes) so yes, money would be quite welcome about now. Fingers crossed that it will all go well and I will get the position, I guess I'll know by tomorrow!

On the relationship front, things are going giddily perfect and I try not to jinx it, but it's so good nowadays and instead of thinking about all the things he doesn't do, I find myself focusing so much more on all the things he does do and I feel so much more happier, and it's sooo goood, and I think we have finally swum our way through the rough patches. =) Issues have been sorted out and I'm getting the love and atten-shuns and affec-shuns that I need and AH IT IS SO GOOD. Everytime we see each other now it's a jolly good time of laughs and jokes and cuddles and feel-good feelings so it is all going well so don't jinx it!!! Yes yes, he is the pinnacle of male awesomeness. =D

What else has been going on? That's about it really. Besides my empty bank account and my state of unemployment, things are going enchantingly well. So I have nothing else to report. =]

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Wednesday, April 23, 2008; 7:34 PM
it starts from my toes
makes me crinkle my nose

It's been such an unpredictable day today - one minute I'm completely normal and laughing at random internet videos and the next minute I'll be crying over nothing. It's been like that at varying times throughout the day today, ugh, I don't think this is good for my mental health. These crazy emotional swings have stopped lately and everything has been so perfect for the past few months or so, and now suddenly it feels like I'm on the roller coaster again - and the tiniest things set me off, even watching Friends makes me cry for no reason and then I laugh and then I cry again and then I get angry for no explicable reason akdjhagdhaksdhjjaksdhjashda akjhasd, in CG's words : I FEEL LIKE THE SPAWN OF SATAN.

I feel like there's a lot of things to say and do but no time for any of it. It's because we're always waiting, watching, wondering and hoping and worrying about repercussions, whatifs, setbacks, outcomes, risks and the like. There's so many varying differences and circumstances that leads to hesitation which in turn leads to people never ever really saying or doing what's on their mind.

This whole mood-swinging thing has got to stop, although my only known cure so far seems quite unattainable. To look on the bright side, I guess I've got it under control by not letting it affect my interactions with people around me. Also, I guess it's a blessing that I get to feel so many powerful emotions? I'm aliveee~!!! ♥

you make me smile
baby just take your time
holding me tight

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Tuesday, April 22, 2008; 8:53 PM
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-E.E Cummings


Monday, April 21, 2008; 9:20 PM
21 on the 21st
I am 21 now - no longer a child though I feel no more of an adult.

Nevertheless, it's been a wonderful two days, with my friends surprising the "living poo poo" out of me with a surprise BBQ party last night, complete with a vast plethora of gifts I've been lusting after. I don't think I need to say it again, but I love all my friends. Also now I have a Rinoa to go with my Squall figurine and they look very cosy together on my computer desk, not to mention a huge My Little Pony staring at me from the foot of my bed. MJY revealed to me all the planning and thought that went into the surprise for me, McCool even went as far as blindfolding me whilst everyone else hastily decorated the venue. I suspected something was up, but my suspicions died when MJY said he forgot his gym gloves and had to go get them, and the next thing I know there was a great volley of people - almost everyone from Uni - throwing heaploads of confetti at me and yelling Happy Birthday! Omg, you gaiz. Such great actors, graah! ILU all. I was also really glad to be with McCool when the clock struck midnight and he leaned down and kissed me. =)

The highlight of the lot, however was today, when McCool showed up at my doorstep. After waiting for many futile hours, I had resigned myself to the fact that he wasn't going to show up, so when he actually did, I started to cry. I sat down on my chair whilst he handed me several small gifts from his mother and his sister, and a little perfume bottle from himself.
Then he knelt down in front of me and pulled out a little blue box from his pocket. I just stared at him as he slowly opened it to reveal three beautiful rings, adorned with Swarovski crystals and patterns of the stars and moons on it.

"Because you always stare at the stars and the night sky, you know - Scorpio and all that," said he with that boyish grin.

And then because I'm such a girl - I started crying again. Out of happiness and shock, of course - and all I could do was hug him while I cried like such a girl. We sat/stood there hugging for such a long time while he laughed and told me he loves me and ugh - of course that makes me cry even more! He got all flustered and told me not to be sad but I couldn't say anything in reply because I was so happy gah ajhdajdsakh it was wonderful. After he left, the first thing I did was to take a photo and show off the bling bling to my best friend, MJY! He was all "OMG did you cry!" and I was all "OMG yes of course I did!" and he was all "OMG I knew it! I would cry too!"

What a wonderful day. Frickin' A - I wanna relive that moment again when he slipped the ring on my finger. It could be a $5 ring from the dollar store and I would still cry. Best birthday ever indeed! 1000 out of ten!

Boys sdhaksldajsdhkasd they can be so unbelievably sweet. Sometimes you just wanna huggle 'em to death! <3 *^______^*

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Sunday, April 20, 2008; 1:19 PM
Forum n00bs drive me nuts
With all my free time lately, I've been getting back into the fandom side of things - mainly the pinks forums and ACF. I don't post as regularly because the pink forums have turned into something rather elitist that I'd rather not partake in - must be all the backstabbing and gossiping about other members behind their backs - but anyways some of my old friends are still posting there so I go back as well. (plus, can't abandon modly duties! Internetz = seriaz business.)

Anyways, there's been a continuing influx of newbies ever since Advent Children was released and most lately there's this new member who just DRIVES ME TOTALLY FRICKIN' INSANE. Holy carp woman, can you type properly?! Can you not type obscenities IN CAPS LOCK about how eval! Tifa is and how stupid Cloud/Tifa shippers are?! I don't care about it, other members don't want to read about it, and every single post does not have to be about you yelling what a skank Tifa is and how Clotis should jump off the face of the earth.

And then there's her blatantly ignoring my civil PMs to stay on-topic and post properly - ajgdsajhgda unfortunately there's only so much I can do as a mod - and I can't really warn her or kick her off the forums for posting how she feels, even though IT DRIVES US NUTS all the time. Plus she stole art and tried to pass it off as her own in the Fanart forum and even though we clocked in on it and shut down the thread, it still makes me wonder in astonishment the lengths people will go in order to gain respect ON THE INTERNETZ.

Ho mai. All this over a fictional pairing!

End of rant. *gets off my soap box*

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Friday, April 18, 2008; 11:13 PM
words of wisdom
"You should never be ashamed or embarassed to say you love somebody. Why hide it?

Nowadays, people say "I love you," like it's a normal thing. It's very easy to fall in love, but very hard to keep it. That's why you have to work at it. Love is like a horse, it needs to be worked on. Otherwise it will drift apart. People change - they grow, they develop different hobbies, they have different viewpoints, etc etc. Humans get bored. That's why you need to work to keep the love. You need to make an effort. Like Sui Lan, I make it a point to go to all her horse shows and snap photos of her. She's so happy there, and it makes me happy. I have so many photos of her that she doesn't know I've got. I hope that one day, after I die, people will look at these photos and say, "Oh, he really loved her!"

-My Uncle Joe


Saturday, April 12, 2008; 10:15 PM
Cedar, like the wood
"Isn't it sad what happened to Cedar?"

One of the regular riders casually said to me this morning, as I was putting Scottie's saddle on. I whipped around and stared at her in surprise.

"What's happened to Cedar?"

She stared back at me and suddenly turned arkward. "Oh.. uh.. maybe you should ask Christine about it."

I stood frozen for a few moments, my eyes hastily searching the paddocks for a sign of fat, grumpy old Cedar. Nearby, Melinda was gathering some hay, so I hastily did up Scottie's girth and called out to her, "Hey, do you know what's up with Cedar??" She looked up at me in surprise and replied, "Cedar died. Colic."

Cedar, the famous, fat, buck-skinned, grumpy old horse who would fart obnoxiously in everyone's faces. He was the second horse I learnt to ride on, after Nugget. Together, we sailed through the Beginner's classes as he patiently guided me through Pony games, poles, witch's hats and little brown jumps. His trot and canter were so smooth, they were akin to sitting on the back of an angel, and I sadly graduated from Cedar the schoolmaster to a more challenging horse.
Cedar was the grumpiest old grand-horse alive, but he was so remarkably reliable and patient and safe, I once declared to Christine that I would trust him enough to put my frail, 81-year old grandmother on him! Everyone knew Cedar, even the store clerks down at Horseland in Dandenong knew him. He was one-of-a kind.

The best memory of Cedar was when I brought McCool to the barn for the first time, and I was brushing Cedar down. That horse is notorious for passing gas, and as McCool stood watching apprehensively from behind the wooden stalls, Cedar very politely and very slowly lifted his tail, opened up his arsehole as wide as he could and loudly emmited copious amounts of gas in McCool's direction with much delight. I still owe that horse a favor for farting at my boyfriend.

Ah, Cedar, how I loved you, you grumpy old snout with your pinned back ears and your impatient leg-stomping and tail-swishing and yet you so patiently and kindly let us ride you around bareback, let little screaming kids run around and under your feet, teach millions of beginners how to ride, teach millions of people how to brush, tack and groom a horse, always standing perfectly still and perfectly patient while millions of beginners fumbled with your halter buckles, put your bridle on all wrong, held your foot up arkwardly as they learn to use a hoofpick, use a wrong brush on your soft coat ... and at the end of the day you still come up to us with your soft muzzle for a kiss or cuddle, never once complaining or turning sour, never a kick or even a little nip to people whom would have frustrated the heck out of me, if I were you.

I think humans have a lot to learn from horses. When obstacles come up, like big, scary jumps - well, all you do is face your fear straight on and leap over them. If it scares you enough to spook or refuse, with a little encouragement, you can - and will - jump that fence. If your rider is idiot enough to do the wrong thing, you stop at the fence and refuse to jump until your rider asks correctly and nicely. Sometimes you jump it anyway, if just to save your rider's neck, because that's what partners do. I think that's a magnificent life principle - if an obstacle crops up, just canter confidently towards it and jump it. All it takes is a little encouragement.
Horses are so magnificently simple. If you ask the wrong way, they just don't do it until you ask correctly. It's something so basic, that humans should know by common sense, but for some strange dumbfound reason - don't.
Share your hay, lift your feet well, carry your head high, light up your eyes and nicker when you see your partner approaching. If your paddock-mate does something to annoy you, pin back your ears and tell them. Groom each other, starting from the lips down to the neck and down to the withers. Never say No to apples, and if you don't like someone - fart at them.

I've only just had time to sit down and mourn Cedar, the most patient and kindest horse I know. The fact that gladdens me is that he now has his much much much well-deserved rest up there in God's eternal pastures and I'll get to see him again when it's my turn to go there. =) Then I'll brush his mane again and he'll mischeviously stomp his foot at me, then turn to nuzzle me like normal.

If all Humans could have some Horse Sense in them - this world would be a much better place.

R.I.P Cedar (2/4/2008) - You will never be forgotten

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Thursday, April 10, 2008; 3:25 PM
Another meme ganked from Livejournal, completely fandom related.

Originated by dsudis.

So I was adding some new interests to my LJ profile (because I, uh... have some new interests. Yes.) and found myself feeling defensive every time I typed a female name, thinking, basically, FUCK YOU, SHE'S AWESOME, because I felt as if someone somewhere was going to be criticizing my love for them.

So, anyway, then I made a list of women who make me want to say FUCK YOU, SHE'S AWESOME. They are far from the only women who are awesome, or the only women people need to be told to step off of, but they are the top ten I feel that way about, right now, off the top of my head.

you want to argue with me about the awesomeness of any of these women, I am afraid I will simply be referring you to the subject line. THAT IS ALL.

1.) Rinoa Heartilly (FFVIII)
2.) Aerith Gainsborough (FFVII)
3.) Orihime Inoue (Bleach)
4.) Britney Spears (lulz, sorry, just had to chuck Brit-brit in there somewhere!) Also, Oprah.
5.) Nami (One Piece)
6.) Chidori Kaname (Full Metal Panic)
7.) Tifa Lockhart (FFVII: Advent Children version)
8.) Ashe (FFXII)
9.) Ariel (Disney's The Little Mermaid lolz)
10.) Sailor Mercury (Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon)


Monday, April 7, 2008; 5:44 PM
Pain, pain, go away
Oooo-kay, haven't updated in a long time. Personal issues and all that jazz, also I AM STILL UNEMPLOYED and have been receiving countless rejection letters in the mail oh boo-hoo.

But anyways.

All is well on the Yin front - 'well' meaning nothing is going too wrong at the moment. First off, I am dying from pain and had to give up a day of glorious shopping at the mall because of TEH PAIN and I am just drying and groaning and weeping in bed, mourning my long-awaited day of shopping (because retail therapy is as crucial as chocolate, and everyone knows how crucial that is). McCool was kind enough to give me a very sympathetic grin just before he closes the door to go shopping without me... The blasphemy! I can only poke needles in his voodoo doll with vicious ferocity while he wanders through the shopping aisles, wondering why his right arm feels broken. He better buy me something nice (expensive is a good bonus too) or else he will feel pain!

Edit : Oh, he just got back -- with empty hands!!! Raaahhh!! Apparently the florist was closed or something. Well I'm sure the diamond store would've been open!! Hey, gimme a break, this time of the month is the only time I can be fairly unreasonable. *wink wink* The only thing that pacifies me at this moment is his promises of flowers tomorrow.... or else!

Anyways, nothing new on the job front, as already mentioned.

Fandom news, however - I have completed Ouendan 2 four times! On all difficulty levels, and Rank A for each level too! Bwahahahahaha!! I've also started playing Crisis Core and whilst I'm no big fan of Zack, young!Aerith is simply adorable. A few things she says seems a bit OOC, but oh well. Cloud is cute too. I'm getting addicted to this game, I only wish there were more CG cutscenes of Aerith. And if I hear "Conflict resolved!" one more time, I will have to choke a bitch.

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