Day 1 : I stood at the door, biting my lip and trying to hide my trembling hands behind my back. Constantly shifting my weight so nobody could see that I had shaky knees underneath my sweatpants. Smiling - or at least thinking I was. As soon as the door closed, I returned to the room and stood in silence for about five minutes or so. And then I bawled my eyes out.
Day 2 : I got up extra early to go to work - not that I slept much anyway. I kept my phone in my hand the entire day. But I didn't cry.
Day 3 : I took my phone everywhere with me. Into the shower. Out shopping. While I was cooking in the kitchen. While I was feeding the dog. In the toilet. At 3 am I was staring at my phone quietly. But I didn't cry.
Day 4 : A good friend came to visit me and stayed talking till 4 am. I had my phone beside me. I took one look at it and went to sleep. Hello, 2009.
Day 5 : All the chores are done. I clean the house, take out the trash, clean up after the dog, vacuum the floors. I listen to Britney Spears and sing along a little, like some wannabe karaoke diva in a sleazy bar on a Friday night. Everything looks spick and span. Spotless. Perfect. The dog comes and sits beside me. I look quietly at her. And then I start to bawl. She nuzzles me and comforts me with licks and whines as I cry all night through.
Day 6 : My phone sits on the desk next to my hand. Suddenly, it buzzes. I stop to look at it. Then, I pick it up and throw it across the room, so it bangs against the wall and falls to the bed with a thud. And I didn't cry.
Happy 2009. Don't blame the years for dealing you with obstacles, trials, troubles and tribulations. When obstacles crop up, use them as stepping stones, and you'll get somewhere.
Even though it feels like shit will never end, hang in there. Good will come eventually. Even in times of great uncertainty and doubt and loss, good will come.Please
keep trying, self.
Labels: note to self