Tuesday, April 14, 2009; 1:15 AM
and just like that
In all the vast animal kingdom, if one ever had to ask what the cutest animal feet are, I would have to say bunnies. And not just because it's Easter, but seriously, just LOOK AT BUNNY FEET!

I have an irrational phobia of feet, this is not a lie, but bunny feet are the only feet in the world that I would not mind putting into my mouth and nomming away. I mean, did you watch Bambi? Those bastards can ice-skate on those feet! Are they not the most awesome feet ever? You go to an ice-skating rink and the attendant asks you what size feet you are, as if you want to wear feet that some tinia-infected person has worn before - and all you have to do is waggle your little bunny toes and hey presto! Instant skis! No fungi toes for me! I would love feet that multi-task like that. And the toes! The little toes!

Check out these adorable bunny feet from Cuteoverload.com

Of course, buying shoes would be a nightmare, but did you ever see any bunny donning Converse Hi-tops?! Those cute bastards wouldn't even be able to get as far as DFO Spencer Street without at least 20 random strangers asking to suck on their toes. Problem solved.

We were watching the Montreal Comedy Festival on TV a while ago and Joan Rivers comes on - she is a well-known female comedian whom I had never heard of up till this point - and she turns the audience into hysterics by talking about how vaginas drop when you grow old. Now - and this was the whole punchline of her skit - most women don't know that their vaginas will drop when you age. She says, our mothers don't tell us this fact. And I, sad to say, am no exception. I sat up, wide-eyed and snorting in astonishment at her skit whilst McCool was rolling on the floor in laughter (apparently vaginas are very funny things to men) and could not believe my ears!

What's this?! What do you mean they drop?? How is it possible to drop?? I know men's balls drop, bless them, but how is it possible it happens to women too?! I am utterly terrified. I do not wish, in 50 years time, to be walking out of Starbucks and bump into a neighbour, who looks down at my feet - and I will have to say, "Oh, I was born with an extra toe...."
And he will look at me with horror, perhaps the question running through his mind would be, "Do you mean Camel Toe???"

God forbid!! This makes me even more averse to old age. I think I will simply freeze myself when I turn 43.

We were on the bus to the mall when a group of young boys boarded - it is school holidays - and they were all dressed in black despite it being a warm 27 degrees outside. They all had long hair, likely to rival Miranda Kerr's luscious locks, and were bleached all colours imaginable. It seems to be lately, and tell me if you've noticed this too, that most guys nowadays look like complete freaks. They do, they do! Long, emo-ish hair, holes in places there should never be holes, clothes that my great-grandmother would buy for me if she were still alive... good god, fuck me, I will never find a decent man to spend the rest of my life with because they are all clearly completely mad!!!

A guy bought himself a full length mirror from Target or Kmart or whatever, it's all the same anyway - and he spend the entire bus journey staring at his reflection in the newly-purchased mirror, which was still wrapped in plastic, mind you - and adjusting his hair!! The bus journey must have lasted a good 45 minutes at least and not once did his eyes avert from his reflection or his fingers from teasing his fringe to fall just right.

Our future lies in the hands of these people, are you not proud and eager to see what the next decade holds. Yay!

Happy Easter, darlings.

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