Monday, January 25, 2010; 1:10 PM
Le Voeu
What happened @&#^@ forgive me I need to rant.

What happened to the bar? Have you forgotten? We were supposed to open a little bar together, and I would sing in the corner and you would sip Kahlua and we would call it ... Le Voeu... 'The Wish'... named after that one night tens of thousands of years ago it seems. And I would decorate the tables and counter tops with flowers and friends would come and unwind after work, and it would be in a quaint little town, somewhere, and I would sing for you.

And how come I never got your dagger, and I never got a folding fan, or a white sarong, or promises of a tomorrow? Only now am I going through the steps of Rage in grief, whereas you went through it a million light years ago and left me sitting here like a fool - a fool! A fool for believing in a bar in a little corner with flowers and jazz and love.

How did you go from discipline and selflessness to reclused, angry weaponry, I will never understand - and I will never understand how I went from cheerful naivety to emotional bitterness. I wonder if we did this to each other and we are now paying the price - or maybe it's just me, my mistakes for my foolishness and my foolish belief in a better tomorrow - a better tomorrow that you kept saying It will come, It will come, Someday, Someday - but it never did. Like the empty inbox and the letters that never came, the phone calls and messages that never came, the call to the airport that never came, and by the time it almost did come, it was too late and I was too tired. Your sorries were always so readily accepted until I just could not accept them anymore.

But damn do I miss you.

Whatever it was, we need to keep on striving, perhaps Le Voeu will exist in the future, a small shining flicker of light in a bleak city, and perhaps it won't be me that will be singing in the corner to you --- and then I will really have to cut a bitch.